The following letter is from a mom struggling with pornography.
Porn has been a recent addition to our family. When I was young, I came across my father’s collection of pornography, but for most of the rest of my life, I had little to no desire for pornography, and I mostly thought that it was something that men looked at, not women. My own struggle had a subtle start, when I was pregnant with our first child. I had been feeling really sick during my first trimester, and I had taken time off from work to deal with the impact of the pregnancy, and a friend loaned me her collection of Sex in the City to get my mind off of how crappy I felt. I worked through the whole series—all of the seasons—at break-neck speed. Each episode drew me in more and more, and as the episodes became more and more risqué, I felt myself laughing more and forgiving more of the content. And I have to admit, the sex scenes and nudity turned me on, even in my exhausted, morning sick state.
I was pretty sad when I ran out of episodes of Sex in the City to watch, but I picked up more cable drama series, and then dived into watching and renting movies on Hulu and iTunes, even when I went back to work. After my son was born, I struggled with depression, and I started to read 50 Shades of Gray to get through. I started seeking out more and more erotic novels, and eventually I found myself looking for erotic pornography on the web.
Two years ago, I never would have imagined that I would be struggling with a pornography addiction, and I especially would not have suspected that I would have started using pornography as a pregnant woman, but that is my reality. When I feel stressed out or overwhelmed about being a mom or being a wife, I go to pornography to escape. Even though I definitely care about my husband and son more than pornography, you wouldn’t know it from the way I spend my time and the amount of my thought time that is devoted to thinking about eroticism and pornography. I look for little opportunities to sneak a look at pornography, and I look forward to time when I can escape into erotic novels and movies. Pornography has numbed me from the hard parts of life, but it’s also numbed me from the good parts of life. I don’t delight in my husband as much, and I don’t enjoy our sex life as much either. I compare him, and I compare our life to a fantasy. I wish I had never opened this door. It’s hard for me to imagine a day without some form of sexual content—but I want to go back to that time when I didn’t feel as though I needed it to get through the day. I want to go back to that time when I found joy in the simple things of life, and when I found sexual pleasure in my spouse. I want to live a life that is connected to my children, but at this time I don’t know how.
If you need help with an addiction to sex or pornography, please consider checking out our resources for men and for women on our site. Know that you are not alone, and, with help, you can see a day, a month, a year and a new life free from pornography.