Nine seventh-grade male students were suspended from a school in the San Diego area for allegedly masturbating while looking at pornography on their cell phones during English class. Clearly, their teacher was probably not the most attentive teacher in the world, but what could possibly these students to engage in such public, sexual behavior?
For one, pornography has become the new normal for many of our kids. Whenever I talk to tween and teenaged kids, they explain that pornography is “no big deal”; “everybody looks at it”. As students from this San Diego-area school shared, while they thought the actions of their peers were inappropriate, they also thought they were funny. Kids today often talk openly about the explicit content they encounter online, and many will share or forward some of their favorite new pornographic finds with one another. I remember being surprised when I first learned that some tweens and teenagers would masturbate in the same room together while watching pornography, but, unfortunately, this scenario has become all-too normal.
Additionally, what our kids watch will shape what they do. If our kids are watching pornography, it’s likely that their assumptions about sex will be based on what they’ve learned from pornography. If we allow our kids to steep in a media culture that promoted sexual exhibitionism, it’s likely that they will engage in some exhibitionist behaviors. Whether it’s girls that are willing to give blow jobs to boys in the back of a school bus or these boys who were watching pornography in the classroom, kids are being taught that pushing the limit sexually is the cool thing to do.
So, what’s a parent to do if they learn that their son or daughter has been engaging in some sexually explicit acts in public?
First, remember that our kids lack the level of cognitive maturity that we have, i.e. their prefrontal cortex is not yet fully developed. Making wise, patient and responsible decisions is tough for any tween or teen. Our kids are guided more by their emotions and raging hormones as teenagers than anything else, so we need to be patient, understanding and wise in our own response to any situation that involves a potentially awkward and embarassing situation.
Second, make sure your kids know the difference between right and wrong. Have you talked with your son or daughter about sex, pornography and masturbation? Have you set clear rules for what you expect of them with regard to sexual purity? If you haven’t been having conversations with your kids about sex, then can you really blame them for making mistakes and being confused? (Here are some tips to help you start the conversation.)
Third, it’s important to protect your kids from exposure to pornography and to be careful about the media inputs you allow in their lives. Use a strong filter (like our X3watchPRO) and parental controls (like Safe Eyes) on all Internet-enabled devices. Do your best to keep up to speed with the shows your kids are watching and the places they are going online.
Fourth, talk to other parents. Remember back when parents actually used to know each other? Let other parents know your standards and help them to understand the risks of letting their kids (and your kids) go online unsupervised.
Finally, talk to your school and see whether they are using filters on their computers and what sort of action plan they have in place to deal with protecting kids online. (If they don’t, recommend their teachers go through a course like Enough Is Enough’s Internet Safety 101 program or learn about safe Internet practices through Common Sense Media).