By far the biggest two questions we get from people are 1) How can I be free of this addiction (or something to that end), and 2) What can I do if I’m not having [enough] sex with my spouse? These are subjects we tackle in our weekly Office Hours sessions almost every episode.

But after those two hot-button items, without a doubt, one of the other questions we get very often is this,

How do I talk to my kids about porn, and how do I stop them from seeing it?

So this month we are going to be focusing on these questions and more – all focused around the subject of parenting and sexuality. But, before we get too far in, I need to ruin the moment a bit for some of you. Because here is a HUGE spoiler… There is no guaranteed way to keep your kids from seeing porn. 

Well great! Thanks for ruining my day Carl. I guess I should just click off now, right? 

Wrong.

Because while we can’t completely protect our kids or insulate them from the sexualization that’s woven all throughout our culture, we can be more proactive in our conversations with them about these things which will greatly shape their life experience and perspective, preparing them better for the challenges that lay ahead. 

Believe it or not, protecting your kids is not the answer. Preparing them is. Here’s an example of what I mean that took place about 7 years ago.

It’s funny how life’s little moments can serve as great teachable opportunities, especially with kids.

I saw a video on Twitter (you may have seen it too). It was of a man in Australia who jumped off a cliff into the harbor only to land about 20 feet away from a GREAT WHITE SHARK! What was so awesome about the footage is that it was taken from a camera strapped on the man’s helmet, so you could watch the whole thing from a first-person perspective.

For those of you who may be wondering, don’t worry – the man lived! However, at the end of the video, after he swims to shore, he takes off his helmet, looks into the camera, and rightfully says “holy shit!” 

Honestly, I can’t think of a more fitting thing to say in a situation as crazy as that one.

Now, my son, who was 6 years old at the time, loved sharks (he still does) and especially great whites. His sister, who was 9, also liked them, so I thought I’d show them the video. 

At first, I had planned to turn off the clip before the “holy shit” moment to prevent them from hearing that word, fearing that Hunter would just run around the house for the rest of the day repeating it. If you know my son, that’s a very likely scenario.

But then I thought about it and I said to myself, 

“What am I doing here? They are going to hear it sooner or later, so I might as well explain to them what it means and why (at their age) it’s not something they should be saying.”

Comfortable with the direction I had chosen, we sat down to watch the video, and before I started it I told them that at the end of the video the man being filmed used the word “shit” which means “poop.” They both started laughing uncontrollably (especially my son) and for a brief moment I thought to myself, “What did I just do???

Nonetheless, realizing I had already opened up Pandora’s box, I pushed on and hit play.

After the video was done playing and the laughter had subsided a bit, I asked them if they had ever heard the word before.

My son said emphatically “no” but my daughter sheepishly nodded her head and said that she had. When I asked her where, she said, “a boy on the bus who is ‘bad’ and doesn’t believe in God said it.

PAUSE

Do you see what happened there?

I almost didn’t talk to my kids about a “curse word” because I wanted to shelter them. But, as it turned out, my daughter had already heard the word. Worse yet, she had formed the completely misguided opinion that people who said that word were “bad” and atheists!

I think we as parents struggle with this type of stuff all the time, especially when it comes to porn or sex.

  • We want to shelter our kids.
  • We want to protect them from being exposed to stuff we don’t want them to see or hear.
  • We mistakenly worry that by being proactive we may inadvertently turn them on to the very thing we want them to avoid.

But here’s what we miss. Often they already know. And worse yet, they have it all wrong.

Maybe you can identify with this experience?

See, my daughter had already heard the word “shit.” But, she didn’t know what it meant, and so she mistakenly assumed that if people used that word they were “bad.”

It’s just like porn.

Recognize, even if we avoid talking to our kids about porn and sex because we fear exposing them to that world, they will eventually see or hear about it on their own anyway.

The only difference is they won’t hear your perspective on it.

They won’t get an accurate description of what it is and what it isn’t.

They won’t know what to make of it, so they will draw their own conclusions … conclusions that are WAY OFF.

And the worst thing is they won’t tell you. After all, if mom and dad are afraid to talk about that stuff, then why would they bring it up and risk getting in trouble (or that’s what they assume)?

And so what happens is our kids get exposed to this crap way too early, with no guidance or good advice, and keep everything trapped inside as their little hearts and minds start to decay in shame.

Parents, we can’t be fearful about this stuff.

We need to have some guts when it comes to talking to our kids about tough topics. 

Take life’s little opportunities and start good conversations. Make these occasions teachable moments and show your kids that you are someone they can talk to, not someone they need to be secretive around.

You need to decide to be the one they hear from on these topics and not some snotty nose kid in their classroom or at the bus corner.

Step up and take a little risk, because if you don’t, you are making certain that they will find out things the hard way.

If you need some help getting these conversations going, check out the Very Good Sex Talk course in our Resource Marketplace. As always, if you have any questions about what we talked about in this post, please reach out to us through Office Hours and we will be sure to answer your questions!