You put your right foot in, right foot out, right foot in now shake it all about…

I’m not much of a dancer, in fact I have been compared to a plucked chicken connected to the mains power (that’s 240volts here in New Zealand) yet I side stepped, leaped, and Hokie Pokied like a pro to keep the darkest part of me a secret.

One moment I am all in, preaching the word of God, visiting the hurt and dreaming and strategizing for the Kingdom of God, the next moment I take my foot out and huddle around a computer trying to satisfy some driving desire with pornography. I knew a big crash was coming yet felt powerless to stop it and dutifully took my part in the slow motion wreck about to happen.

I thought the elaborate dance I was choreographing was to keep my addiction secret from my wife, fellow ministry leaders, the congregation, and if truth be told from God himself.  Now in hindsight I can see that the dance itself was just as damaging as the secret lust I carried.  The dance required that I speed the tempo up when I was on an up, dance like crazy when I wasn’t overtaken by my addiction.

My preaching became more animated, loud, and motivational as I tried to make up for my deficiency.  My visions and dreams became larger and more elaborate to atone for the dark spots in me.   I was becoming a mile wide but only an inch deep but thought the frenzied spiritual dance would fool everyone.

Not only was my addiction killing my soul but my carefully choreographed dance was driving me into burnout.  It was the dance and the addiction to pornography that nearly ended me and it wasn’t until I was found out with pornography that I could begin the process of being made whole.  To my surprise I found much love and help after an initial phase of anger, resentment (rightly received from my loving wife)  and humiliation for my sexual addiction yet the dance I danced become such a pattern for my ministry life that I still struggle to change the choreography to a dance with more beauty and honesty.

The thing is I thought I had looked great on the dance floor, yet everybody else just saw a crazy plucked chicken plugged into the mains.  I needed to not only man up as a minister to my weakness, sin and addiction but also change my ministry dance.  While I still am on guard with pornography and must be aware at all times I can say that my ministry is now not driven to make up for my deficits and is producing real fruit.