Currently I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life.  I have two choices in front of me; I can either continue on living the same old mediocre life just doing the bare minimum to get by I have been for the last 34 years.   Or, I can choose to fully submit to the plan that God has for my life and live that life to the fullest or I should say, live a life of excellence never settling for mediocrity.

I have spent most of my adult life under the assumption that porn and masturbation would always be apart of my daily life.  Having this outlook on life has definitely had it effects on the way I lived my life.  Everything I did somehow or someway revolved around porn and masturbation.  When I was stressed they were my tension relief.  When I was depressed, lonely or just plain bored they were the answer to my problems.  What I didn’t realize and it has taken me years to understand is that I never developed the skills on how to cope with and function in normal daily life.  I think the term used to describe this is arrested development.  I have come to understand that I responded to every situation in life the way I handled things as a nine year old, the age I started acting out.  I find myself today as a thirty-four year old man still handling situations in my life the way a nine year old would.   I feel this is the brick wall that is in the way of me living a life of excellence and keeping me stuck in a life of mediocrity.

I’ve written in my past blogs about my problems with personal sabotage, sabotaging my own personal success because of my fear that somebody might actually find out that I am a fraud, nothing more then a porn addicted compulsive masturbator.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”  I have read this verse so many times in 2 Corinthians in fact I think I had it memorized at one time but I don’t know if I have truly accepted it in my heart.   This verse makes me question myself, “is the Jesus I think I know and have this supposed relationship with, the one I read about in the bible or am I just making Him into the Jesus I want Him to be?”

I started school last year I am a Theology major at a Southern Baptist college in California and in the past five months I have come to realize that the God I thought I knew and the Jesus I thought I had a personal relationship with are nothing like the true God and the real Jesus of the Bible.

“I am he; I am the first, and I am the last.  My hand laid the foundation of the earth, and my right hand spread out the heavens; when I call to them, they stand forth together.”
Isaiah 48:12-13.

I am taking a Latter Prophets course this semester and I read this verse studying for a quiz last week and all I could think is, “and I doubt God?”

I am standing at this crossroad in my life ready to run from mediocrity, wanting to run towards a life of excellence, which I know is laid out before me but all I can do is stand there in fear because I have faked for so long that I wont let myself realize that I have made it.