I was sitting in a room with about 60 women when the question was asked, “Is it okay to use sex toys in your marriage?” Honestly, I was not sure how to answer the question. What sex toys are we talking about? That was the wrong question. The conversation spun out of control and brought me way outside my comfort zone. After an uncomfortable minute I handed off the question to another XXXchurch speaker who was in the room, a female speaker!
When it really comes down to it, I don’t believe the answer is a matter of right or wrong but rather beneficial or harmful.
Listen to Paul’s words regarding the line between freedom in Christ and sexual immorality.
“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13 You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never!” [1 CORINTHIANS 6:12-15]
When it comes to this issue of sex toys there are two questions that you must ask.
1. Is this creating deeper union between my spouse and I?
Some might argue that the creativity of sex toys increases intimacy between husband and wife, whereas others are convinced of just the opposite. Love me or hate me, here is my two cents.
The items you bring into the marriage bed can be similar to adding a third person to your sex life. It is no longer two people engaging in sexual intimacy a third person is invited to be a part of it. In a matter of time you can become dependent on the toys for a healthy and happy sex life. The toys have mastered you. They have taken control over your intimacy and without them your sex life is now boring and uneventful. Is this true in every case? No. However, it is a danger and a common outcome to introducing “someone” new into your marriage bed. I would really ask the important questions before introducing toys into a marriage. In the long term, are sex toys really benefiting your marriage? Are they creating deeper union?
2. Do sex toys trigger immoral memories and thoughts?
What I thought was a routine meeting with a high school age kid turned out to be so much more. Within minutes of sitting down he expressed the need to get something off of his chest. I was a safe place for him to share and so he began to confess his sexual immorality. He had participated in a threesome with one other high school boy and girl. He explained the situation to me and I asked him where he came up with such a plan. He didn’t learn these moves from the school textbook on sexuality – these actions came straight from a porn movie. What was once on the screen was now being acted out in his bedroom.
My fear with sex toys is the triggers. These toys can easily trigger unhealthy memories from immoral influences. When you allow this to take place in your marriage bed you invite pain and dysfunction into the most intimate aspect of your marriage. The argument for toys is comparable to the argument for masturbation. If I can masturbate while thinking about the book of Leviticus there is nothing wrong with what I am doing, right? Wrong. Masturbation will lead to lustful thoughts and a lustful mind. I believe sex toys pose the same threat. Invite them into your marriage and now you are walking the line between healthy and unhealthy. I believe you will probably lose in the end and become comfortable walking on the wrong side of the line.
Does the bible directly refer the use of sex toys in marriage? No. The bible encourages all married couples to enjoy one another, to share the oneness of body, and to have sex for pleasure. The bible speaks about a sexual relationship between one husband and one wife and no one else.