“There is no such thing as a free lunch”
I was about to pay the “reaper” for years of secret consumption.
At this point I wish I could say I was the courageous one who had had an epiphany and decided to change his life for the best and boldly walked the road of redemption, healing and finally glory. Instead I was a coward hiding in the shadows living in fear that as a minister my dark pornography secret would be discovered and my life would be ruined.
Moment by moment my secret addiction was being leaked to those around me and the web of lies that I was now weaving in a vain attempt to stay hidden were now adding heaviness to a soul that was struggling to carry life.
It was my wife that discovered my secret as she surfed the internet, I was careless and some of the sites I had looked at sent some messages. I was now stuck as she angrily confronted me and my reaction was not one of a noble man, I lied through my teeth explaining that this is some silly mistake due to these sites somehow getting our IP address and were just sending these randomly. She seemed to have bought the lie and I was safe, I should quit now, stay away make an effort and stop this sick addiction, only I couldn’t.
Over the next six months my wife was on heightened alert with me and the computer and was always checking up on me which finally led to a large argument where it all came out in the wash, I was caught, I was trapped, I had to pay the price and it was larger than I had ever imagined. I did not understand how much this addiction had numbed my conscience, how much my lies to cover my tracks had destroyed my soul and most of all I had no idea how much my pornography addiction would hurt my wife.
She demanded I see the Pastor, my boss, and if I didn’t do it today she would. This was it, my dreams and desires to serve God were over. Shows how selfish I really was as I was so focused on how this would ruin me I didn’t take a second to think how it would hurt others. I remember walking through a large shopping center and I just started to cry thinking my life was about to finish. I was now preparing myself for the worst, public ridicule as a minister caught in pornography and a marriage in ruins as my wife took these actions as adultery.
This coward deserved it all but instead received something he didn’t deserve, love and grace. Linda stayed with me and ended up being a great help in me overcoming my addiction, my pastor and leadership of the church insisted on me taking time out but worked with me to bring me back. Even now as I write this I am overcome with the love and strength shown by those around me, what have I done to deserve this. It hasn’t been easy and it took some time to completely win my wife back and bring healing to my broken soul but the best thing that ever happened to me was being found out.
God is gracious and I have no doubt that he orchestrated my downfall. Not every minister caught in pornography will have my experience in fact many may indeed suffer public ridicule and loose relationships and position, the price I deserved to pay, but friend the longer you leave it to pay the price the higher the cost becomes. I am convinced that God loves you and me so much that He will not leave us the way we are and the way forward my require some pain but the end goal is well worth the price.
Accountability is a key component in recovery. XXXchurch.com offers two options for accountability.
X3 Groups is a online based group that meets weekly at the same time offering personal accountability with others. This is an option if you are unable to find someone in your area that will offer this help.
X3 Watch is another option that goes hand in hand with the X3 Groups and any accountability. This is a program that can be placed on either your computer or mobile devices.