Over the last several months we have read and replied to several spouse confessions that are posted on the website. The stories are different and unique in their own way but, they all have so many similarities. While reading a confession recently it hit me how similar these stories are when you peel away the outer layer and look at the core. So below are some of the quotes I have taken from these confessions. If you are a wife and looking at this blog we would like to encourage you to take action if you find yourself saying these same things.
“Why should I worry every guy looks at Porn?” or “I’m not really surprised as I knew it was a problem with a lot of other guys”
You know I use to think this way before I saw Brian fall further and further away from me and our family. Someone once told us that “I don’t care if he looks at porn or not, as long as he comes back to me.” Her thought process stops at that though. The thing is when he does return to you who is he really with? The cute little school girl, the perfect bombshell, or the mom he just saw in his latest porn? Yes, a lot of guys have looked at porn but, why should it be part of your marriage?
“After we got married I thought that he would be done with it because he had me”
You know this is what both Darcy and I thought about this as well and for a little bit it does go away because your relationship fills that void that porn had taken over. How ever over time that glow and excitement of being newlyweds fades a little and leaves a gap for porn to pry at again. No matter what you do unless you get accountability and support of others you will not get rid of this. So if you are thinking of walking down that aisle with the love of your life and you know there is an issue with porn; take care of it first and clean it up. If you don’t it will get in the way of you marriage sooner or later.
“When I found his porn I felt like I was trapped but, I felt like I had violated his privacy and I did not want him to feel like I did not trust him but, at the same time I was so hurt”
I understand that you may have this filling of invading his privacy and respecting that but, he is now doing something that involves the both of you. So many times we think that because we hide behind a monitor or look at this stuff alone it only affects us and that is just not true. If you find his stuff confront him about it but, do it with a level of calmness. Yes you may be upset and hurt by this whole thing but, if you came at him and attack a man’s first response is to put up his guard and fight. You need to go into this conversation with prayer and the thought that this is affecting our marriage and we need to do this together.
“I decided to try and accept it and that it wouldn’t stand in the way of our relationship, that our love was stronger than this.”
True love is strong but, it is not strong enough to withstand the pull of porn once it grabs you and pulls you under the surface. By you accepting it you are giving him permission to keep looking and once he receives that permission he’s habits will grow and he will replace your relationship more and more with pornography.
“I look at it myself so I could understand it. I even tried to look and act like those girls to please him.”
Ladies; there is no reason we should change who we are for any body! He asks you into his life because of what you might change into he choose you because of who you are. Looking and acting like those girls will only fuel his fire and he will run to it when you are not around besides you can’t act like that all the time. Even the porn stars don’t act like that. One of them told an audience of people that her sex life with her husband is not even close to what she does on set. “No way; our sex life is not like my movies. What I do on set is not real; it’s fantasy and uncomfortable.”
“I shut out the hurt and I tried to ignore it and pretend everything was fine. I love my husband so much”
Ladies we as men know deep down inside that you love us with all your heart and even thought we can be boneheaded men and not show it some times we love you as well. If your man has had this problem with pornography and it has caused stress on your marriage you both need to heal. So many times people do one of two things when a couple exposes their struggle they either go into the corner of the man and all huddle around him to help or in the wives corner and support her and walk with her. This is good that people are helping it is just the wrong way. Both of these people need to be surrounded and taken care of. The husband needs to take care of his issue and clean his life up with porn and the wife needs to work on healing here wounds that porn has caused in her marriage. Also they both need to work together and restore their marriage and rebuild their love, trust, and passion for one another.
“He was struggling so much with it he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me, but his lies really broke my heart.”
So many times I wanted to tell Darcy that I was having a problem but, I didn’t want the fight or the disappointment that I thought would come with it. The thing that did happen though was that I fell deeper and deeper into the hole of sin and temptation. She had no clue how much this sin ate away at me and was stealing me from her. My thought of love at the time kept me from telling her. If you
“We should’ve of been honest with each other and dealt with our own issues a long time ago. There is a long road of healing ahead.”
this speaks volumes by its self.