I think this has to be one of the hardest things for the wife of an
addict.  We are misunderstood from all sides.  Our husband’s don’t get
(usually) why this causes such a deep inner sickness in the depths of
our heart and our soul.   Our church (if they even are willing to get
involved) wants to try every approach but how the Bible tells the
church to deal with a believer in habitual sin.   They focus on him for
a period of time (rightfully so) but I have seen and heard of very few
churches who address this GOD’s way when everything else they try still
leaves them with a backsliding Christian amongst the body for years and

Often the wife is left somewhere in the back of the room yet it is
us who are on the front line of spiritual warfare for the souls of our
husband’s. It is us in the one flesh relationship being affected by
everything our spouse submits himself to.  It is us who is left in the
aftermath and who sees who he has really become and the depths he has
gone to and the depravity of sin he has become enslaved to behind
closed doors.

Paul addressed the church of Corinth (brothers and sisters in the
Lord Jesus) when he said they were so desensitized by the sin in the
church (a man (brother in the Lord) amongst them in a lifestyle of
sexual sin) because they had become accustomed to it!  This sin is so
rampant amongst the church and in the body it is affecting ALL of us
(The body/The Church). [Reference 1Corinthians 5]  How is it that we continually avoid this when it comes to someone in habitual sexual sin?

Our friends don’t understand why we ‘put up with it’.  His friends
don’t understand why we are not more forgiving, loving or [fill in the
blank]. Families are usually split down the middle; In my case my family
has supported me while never once saying a bad thing about my husband
(most women do not have this).  His family has pretty much written me
off because after all that old cliche of ‘blood being thicker than
water’ seems to be the case even though I am not the one who broke our marriage

The world misunderstands us.  They deny this is an epidemic, they
deny it destroys marriages. They deny it eats away at the mind.  They
deny, deny, deny leaving us to look like the ones who have blown it all
out of proportion.  They say things like “if a guy would prefer this
over the real deal then he is just a jerk and not all guys are like
that.”   They aren’t there to see that your husband can’t concentrate
at work let alone at the dinner table in normal conversation.  They
don’t see the look on your husband’s face when you tell him you are
devastated that you lost your favorite pair of ear rings and he says
“Oh that is wonderful honey”  because he is thinking about fantasy and
not listening.  They aren’t there when he is puking his brains out in
the toilet covered in vomit and snot because he is completely undone
over his addiction to this hideous counterfeit (PORN) and is miserable
living a constant lie of chaos and yet cannot seem to help himself out
of the pit of it.

This has been my life for 6.5 years with my husband.  Some women
have been going through it for 20, 30, 40 & 50 years…. but I am
talking about it.  You will talk about it.  We may be misunderstood but
guess what?  So was the greatest man that ever walked and loved on the
face of this earth.

Jesus was misunderstood.  Even the very people he hung out with who
knew Him the best, who saw first hand the miracles and the love…
rejected him in the end… even John the Baptist who proclaimed him
from the beginning (even in his mother’s womb!) and prophesied about
who He was…but in the end questioned it all.

I can only imagine how Jesus felt.  The very people He was laying
his life down for literally denied him making public statements that
they valued him not by their words and their actions.

Isn’t that what this is for us?  The very person we have joined
ourself with, the very person we have entered into covenant with and
gave up all rights to any other avenue that life might have taken us
rejects us and by giving themselves to paper dolls declares us to be of
no value to them?

While I am the last one who wants to give any woman any reason to
self loathe or take her eyes off of the cross and feel sorry for
herself- I do want to VALIDATE you wives because I know what it is like
to be invalidated!  Sometimes I think if we were just validated by our
leadership- by our peers- by our family (especially his if they are
involved) we would move more quickly into the healing process and move
forward in a greater pace knowing that we have the support and the
encouragement we need to continue in the fight!  Somehow standing in it
alone (even in prayer & fasting) can be overwhelming.  We need the
same grace that is offered to our spouses.  We need what GOD has spoken
and it should be extended to us.

Deuteronomy 1:9-13

Luke 11: 42-46

Galatians 6:2

1Tim 5:8

Ladies- the Lord really takes this seriously and I am telling you
that HE is our covering and HE is the one who will protect us. [Read 1 Tim 5:5]
Pastors: you have been called to shepherd your flock.  When a wife
loses the covering her husband is supposed to provide- GOD has
appointed you to cover her.  When she doesn’t get that covering she is
opened up to so much more spiritual attack. When a man in the church
has fallen into sexual sin he needs to be rebuked, corrected/instructed
and restored gently. [Gal 6:1, 2 Tim 2:25] This is GOD’s instructions, not mine.

Ladies, talk with your pastors- let them know what you need from
them and from the church.  Don’t shut down and isolate.  I am here to
tell you it doesn’t work… it makes things worse. Lastly- please don’t
forget  to come and fellowship with other ladies just like you in this
same situation at Partners for Purity.  It should not replace your local church but it can be a source of hope and encouragement.

I am praying for all of you.