Given that this past Sunday was Mother’s Day it seems appropriate to focus on the topic of parenting. Specifically, if one has been impacted by the pain of sexual betrayal, does that “trauma” trickle down into one’s parenting style?
As it turns out, the answer is yes.
If you’ve been through sexual betrayal, like a spouse’s infidelity or porn use, you know how gutting that experience can be. The pain of discovery doesn’t just break your heart; it shakes your whole world.
And if you’re a parent, that pain doesn’t stay neatly in one corner of your life. It can show up in how you love, protect, and respond to your kids, even if you don’t realize it.
This kind of trauma is deep.
Sexual betrayal messes with your sense of trust, safety, and even your view of yourself. And when those wounds go unhealed, they can quietly pass from one generation to the next. This is not because we’re bad parents, but because hurt people often parent from a place of fear or self-protection instead of peace and connection.
As the old adage says, hurt people hurt people.
That said, if this is the case, how does betrayal trauma potentially affect the way we parent? How and why do these patterns get passed down? And perhaps most importantly, what can we do to stop that cycle?
First let’s look at 4 ways trauma can show up in one’s parenting style:
1. Overprotecting your kids (A.K.A., hypervigilance)
Recognize that after being betrayed, your brain is on high alert. You’re constantly scanning for signs of danger, because your trust got broken by someone who was supposed to be safe. This is a natural reaction and the way our brain is programmed to work.
As a result, you might become overprotective with your kids. Not because you don’t trust them, but because now you don’t trust anyone. You might have even lost trust in the world around you.
Consequently, you may get anxious about who they’re around, what they’re exposed to, or what might hurt them. And that’s completely understandable. But when overprotection becomes the norm, it can send your kids the message that the world isn’t safe, or that they can’t be trusted to make choices. And that can negatively impact their development and understanding of self.
2. Emotional ups and downs
Betrayal trauma can come with big emotional swings. One minute you’re okay, the next you’re withdrawn or overwhelmed. And that reality is not your fault. In fact, those are common trauma symptoms.
But for a child, it can feel like walking on eggshells.
Kids need consistent emotional connection to feel safe and secure. When a parent is emotionally checked out or reactive due to unresolved trauma, the child may start feeling insecure in the relationship. This can then shape the way they see and experience the world, causing them to operate consistently from a place of survival rather than a place of peace.
In other words, your difficulties with emotional regulation can result in them having those same difficulties. In fact, this is one of the most common things I hear from men struggling with porn. They grew up in atmospheres where they felt alone, unsafe, and/or on edge.
3. Struggling to model healthy relationships
Understand, if you’ve been betrayed, you might not want to talk about love, sex, trust, or intimacy with anyone, because it’s too painful. Or maybe what your kids see in your relationship is distance, distrust, or unresolved tension.
Regardless, kids learn about relationships by watching their parents and/or caregivers.
If all they see is conflict, withdrawal, or distrust, they may struggle with intimacy and trust later in life themselves. This is consistent with the findings of a 2022 study (Tyndall, Fincham, & Baucom) that showed when parents haven’t worked through relational trauma, their kids are more likely to struggle emotionally too.
4. Projecting Shame
Even though the betrayal wasn’t your fault, many people carry deep shame after it happens. This is something that is also seen with victims of rape and/or incest. And unfortunately, that shame can sneak into how you parent. Maybe this means you start expecting too much from your kids because you don’t feel like you’re enough or that you may have failed them somehow.
And so, as author Dan Siegel reminds us in Parenting from the Inside Out, what’s not processed will inevitably be passed on. Therefore, if we don’t work through our own hurt now, we may unintentionally put it on our children later.
As you can see, trauma tends to get passed down, not just emotionally, but even biologically. And the insane thing is that our kids can inherit our patterns of dysregulation even if they don’t know the complete story.
But here’s the good news: You can break the cycle.
Here are some things you can consider to help you heal and move past the trauma so your kids don’t inherit the same pain and anxieties you’ve experienced.
1. Get support.
I can’t say this enough. People NEED people.
You don’t have to do this alone. Support groups like the ones we offer at smallgroupsonline.com can be life-giving. Similarly, support communities, such as Live Free Wives, may serve as a tremendous source of resilience. This is because being around other women who get it can be incredibly healing.
2. See a trauma-informed counselor.
A counselor trained in betrayal trauma can help you process the pain and learn to respond to your children from a grounded place instead of a wounded one. The truth is processing trauma can be exhausting and intense, so having the guidance of a trained counselor can make all the difference.
3. Practice emotional honesty.
You don’t have to have all the answers, but being honest with yourself (and even gently with your kids when appropriate) can help repair the connection. It’s okay to say, “I’m feeling a little off today, but it’s not your fault.” And I would even say that your honesty and vulnerability can help enhance the relationship you have with your children.
4. Slow down and check in.
When you feel yourself getting anxious or reactive, pause and ask, “Am I parenting out of fear or out of love right now?” That one question can change everything and shift you from a place of emotional reactivity to one of thoughtful contemplation.
The difficult truth is this… sexual betrayal trauma changes you.
But that doesn’t mean it has to define you, your parenting, or your family’s future. Healing is possible. You can repair, rebuild, and raise your kids with a sense of emotional safety and connection, even if you didn’t get that yourself.
And in doing so, you become more than a success story. You become a chain-breaker.
Ps. Download this worksheet if you need some help
References
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.
DePrince, A. P., & Freyd, J. J. (2007). The harm of betrayal. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 8(4), 338-349.
Schmuck, M. L., Knaevelsrud, C., & Cwik, J. C. (2017). Trauma and parenting behavior. Child Abuse & Neglect, 70, 282–291.
Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out.
Tyndall, L., Fincham, F., & Baucom, D. (2022). Parental trauma and adolescent outcomes. Journal of Family Psychology, 36(1), 1–13.
Yehuda, R., & Lehrner, A. (2018). Intergenerational transmission of trauma. World Psychiatry, 17(3), 243–257.