“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” Martin Luther King Jr.
About 6 months into my marriage I woke up late one night to find my husband not in our bed. I got up and walked into our office, only to find him looking at pornography. He tried to hide it but wasn’t quick enough as he didn’t hear me coming. That was the start of our very long and difficult journey. For years after that pornography was always at the root of all our issues. However, the act of viewing pornography was not the biggest struggle. The true issue was always trust. At first I thought he could just stop, if he loved me. Well, it wasn’t that simple and he couldn’t stop so time after time I got hurt by his “problem.” I asked him frequently, have you viewed it? Giving him the accountability I thought he needed from me. His answer was always no. But he lied and lied often. I don’t know why he found it so difficult to come clean with me, especially when I thought I was giving him opportunities to. Then one call changed everything-I was in a meeting at work when he called. I quietly answered my phone to hear my husband sobbing uncontrollably; I couldn’t understand a word of what he was saying. Instantly I started thinking something bad happened to our daughter or him. I finally yelled, SPEAK CLEARLY, what’s going on! He started explaining that he looked at porn again and couldn’t help himself. He sobbed, “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry.” He was broken and needed help. I think that rock bottom feeling was our changing point.
We made an appointment our pastor, sought outside help and enlisted every safe guard possible inside our home. Every time my husband took a step back, he took two steps forward. The most important thing was he kept moving forward. He had a self-determination about him that guided his path. My role as his supporter has always been to cheer him on in all his successes and not judge or be critical in his weak moments. We communicate often about our feelings and continue to keep our home protected, including phones, computers and even our television. Coming clean is difficult no matter what your situation is. The most important thing is taking that first step. Is today the day you take your first step towards a better future?
Accountability is a key component in recovery. XXXchurch.com offers two options for accountability.
X3 Groups is a online based group that meets weekly at the same time offering personal accountability with others. This is an option if you are unable to find someone in your area that will offer this help.
X3 Watch is another option that goes hand in hand with the X3 Groups and any accountability. This is a program that can be placed on either your computer or mobile devices.