The darkest days of our marriage were the first few months after I learned that my husband had committed adultery. I had been well aware of his struggle with pornography but had been made to believe that it was “under control”. Over a year had passed since I had last discovered porn on his computer and I had come to believe that this scary, hurtful part of our marriage was behind us. I had shut out everything that had happened and naively hoped that if I ignored them, the painful memories would go away. We didn’t discuss it and our lives moved on.
When he confessed, or more accurately admitted, that his addiction had not only resurfaced but crossed a new line from virtual to flesh and blood I was devastated. At the time I was six months pregnant with our daughter and between the hormones and the horrible truth of a one night stand sent me into a deep depression. Everything in my life was suddenly muddy and unclear. Everything that I had ever thought about myself, my husband, my marriage, and my relationship with God was turned upside down by five little words:” I went home with someone”.
I never dreamt that I would recover from this. And at the time I seriously doubted that our marriage would survive. But somehow it did.
I could go on forever about all of the miracles that we witnessed in the years following his confession. I could fill this entire page talking about all of the ways that God has reshaped us as we submitted ourselves to His process of recovery, healing, reconciliation, and restoration. I wish I had hours to tell you about all the ways that God revealed his strength, power, character, and truth to us in our weakness. What I will tell you is that the most important thing I learned on this journey is that the magnitude of my faith is inline with the magnitude of my calling when I am in desperate pursuit of Jesus.
I clung to Mark 5 :27-28 each day during this time. It reads;
“When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought “If I just touch his clothes I will be healed”.
I needed to be reminded to desperately pursue the source of my healing and restoration. Even now when I am feeling lost, alone, hopeless or helpless I remind myself that if I press through whatever is crowding me out and can get close enough just to touch the very tip of the hem of his garment He will call me out of the crowd and restore me.