This question seems to come up a lot with us women.  When we find out that our man is taking up pleasures in something or someone other than us- we want to know all about it!  What kind of stuff is he in to?  What body parts?  What’s her hair color?  What are her/their measurements?  When is he finding the time to do this?  What is so good about her/them that I can’t provide? After all, if he wanted that then why did he marry me? The list is endless and so is the pain that comes when he answers.

So, as a Christian woman I ask you this sister to sister- Is your need to know Spirit led or is it flesh led?  As a woman to any woman (Christian or not) I ask you this, Is your need to know for the higher good of the other person and yourself or others?

I think there are some questions that should be asked and answered- especially with the sensitive and secretive nature of pornography such as “Is there child pornography involved?”  This is a question that is for the highest good of any children that are at potential risk as well as assisting your spouse in getting more serious help quickly.  Or “Is there another person involved?”  If so, you would need to be checked for sexually transmitted diseases.  Sometimes there are details that we do need to know.

Questions such as “What model/person/porn star are you infatuated with?” however are dangerous in my opinion.  Ask yourself what knowing the answer to this will produce?  What will it change?  My guess is (and I know first hand for myself) that it will only cause you more harm than good.  The knowledge of this information will cause your mind to work over time.  It will also serve as fuel for an argument later down the line if you choose to cynically bring up this persons name as a way to throw it back in his face because you are still hurting and or they are still struggling.

We are all on a journey and it takes time to practice self control in our thought life and in the way we respond to this devastating issue.  Give yourself the same grace that you are expected to give your spouse.  You may blow it with your anger and with your need to know.  Quickly ask for forgiveness, repent and try to move on.

There are three questions that I learned to ask myself whenever the “Need to Know” rears it’s ugly and demanding head.

  1. Is my need to know Spirit led or flesh led?
  2. Is my need to know for the highest good of my spouse, myself or others?
  3. Is my need to know in obedience to what God has called me to in this moment?

Usually this helps me to keep my cool and try to ask for limited details.

None of this excuses your spouse and I am certainly not suggesting that you do not need to know how he is doing in this area of his life as he is walking it out or even certain details if he does mess up. Communication is most definitely important. All I am saying is be careful to discern what you really “need to know” vs what you really “want to know”.  There is a difference and usually the “want” is what gets us in trouble.  God is faithful to bring things into the light that are hidden in darkness.  He most definitely gives grace to the humble and strength to the weary.  He can be trusted to let you know what you “need to know”.