Valentine’s Day or other significant dates in a couple’s life can become strained by the impact of addiction and betrayal. So how do you navigate tricky emotional or romantic occasions?
Here are some things to keep in mind as you think about how to celebrate in new ways:
- Have a safe conversation about expectations
- Plan dates, times, and places in advance
- Honor the needs of both partners
- Accept that change is inevitable
Setting appropriate expectations for an intimate conversation is key to having a mutual chat rather than a fight. Both of your voices are valued at the table. Aim to listen to understand your partner and to speak honestly about your fears and needs as you approach this season, holiday, or event together.
Setting parameters for when and how to discuss sensitive issues is important. For example, when planning what to pack for a trip to a rainy climate, it would be important to pack waterproof gear. Likewise, you wouldn’t approach the one you’ve hurt or been hurt by with a potentially triggering discussion without preparing in advance. If you’re at a loss, consult with your accountability people or small group.
Leave behind what didn’t work well, don’t dwell on the past. If you previously always celebrated in a certain way, it doesn’t mean you need to go there this year. If your relationship is tender and emotions are high, plan something different. Be sensitive to one another.
If you feel connected and would like to be together, consider whether you’d like to try somewhere new to eat or prepare a meal together at home, go for a hike rather than a movie, or vice versa. When you’ve decided how to celebrate, you can look forward to doing something new.
Perhaps one or both of you need some space. It’s okay to forgo the celebration. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for your spouse when they’re in a challenging place in their own recovery from addiction or betrayal is to give them space. Planning is crucial and arrests any feelings of being undesirable or ignored. If you need space, ask for it.
If you two are working on reconciliation or have settled into this season of recovery, you must keep fun as the top priority for this celebration. Save frustrations for another day. Part of reconnecting is intentionally finding ways to enjoy one another’s company. Fun in marriage can be weighed down by the demands of jobs, families, and responsibilities. Plan to have a good time together!
One couple who’d come to the counseling center where I worked discovered a new way to vacation and avoid common triggers. They decided one year to spend their vacation snow skiing in Colorado rather than sunbathing in Cancun. Attire at ski resorts is entirely different than bathing suits at the beach. Over the years, they’ve collected memories of happy times on the slopes and enjoying one another’s company. If you or your partner are stuck on wanting things to be as they’ve always been, consult with your mentor or therapist. They can help you identify what you need and how you feel most fulfilled in your marriage.
Like changing addictive behaviors creates new neuropathways in our brains, making new traditions causes us to expect happy outcomes. If you know your anniversary dinner will not be overshadowed by his relapse or her anger, you have space to breathe and laugh and connect. Talking about those expectations in the beginning lays the foundation for happy memories.
There is no script or “normal” for celebrating significant dates. Plan early and be open to new traditions to meet the expectations. Schedule time for that safe conversation before making plans. Research and plan for your next celebration. Embrace doing something new and find fulfillment like never before. Accept that change is inevitable. If you’ve been working on your individual recovery and connecting as a couple, you’re likely different than you were a year ago. Cheers to good times ahead!
Looking for a supportive community to walk with you through these times of change, check out our Small Groups Online, or join Live Free or Live Free for Wives.