I was communicating with a woman recently who is heartbroken, absolutely heartbroken over her husband’s unfaithfulness. They’ve been married over a dozen years and have children together. As you can imagine, she is beside herself and doesn’t even know which way is up. But she does know down.
Because she’s been on her knees crying her eyes out for weeks now hoping that the pain will subside. That the anger will diminish. That her life will “get back to normal”. But this is her new normal. She just hasn’t gotten to the place to embrace it yet. And understandably so.
It takes time. Lots of time.
She shared with me that her husband is tired of her being upset and questioning him. Asking who he was talking to, who texted him, who sent that email. As if that didn’t add insult to injury, he told her that she needed to get over it and move on. That he should be trusted. Um, ‘scuse me? Trusted?
If I could take a second to tell you how I feel about the situation:
Sir, you broke your marriage vows, went behind your wife’s back and decided to get naked with another woman. Not just once, but continually for over a year and a half while your wife was at home cooking YOUR meals, taking care of YOUR home, and raising YOUR children. Not only that, but despite the emotionally absent atmosphere that you brought into the home, she remained faithful and true despite how she felt. She didn’t yearn for another man’s touch. She yearned for yours, but you were giving those touches to another woman. Your wife prayed for you and believed in you when you weren’t worth believing in. And you think you deserve to be trusted? Think again.
I never had to give that speech to my husband. Ever. From the day he confessed nearly eight years ago until right now, he has owned what he did and done everything in his power to earn my trust back. And I’m forever grateful for that. And maybe that is why I get angry when I hear that people who break the hearts of their spouses by betraying them expect trust to be given right back.
It takes a while, a long while, for that trust to be reinstated. And even when it’s reinstated, it’s never the same. It’s a new trust. It’s a new normal. It has to be.
You can find Cindy’s book Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken here. If you as a wife are working on healing from your husbands struggle with sexual sin this is an amazing book to pick up.