My husband has been walking in freedom from his pornography addiction for going on 10 years.
(C’mon now. That’s deserves a shout out.)
He’s different now than he was during his continued season of self-gratification. There’s no shame in his posture. There’s no defensiveness in his conversation. And the hunger I see in his eyes is for the things of God.
And that’s just plain sexy.
But I still pray for his freedom. I still pray that he will continue on this godly path. I still pray for him to hate the sin that so easily tangled him up. I still pray for him to desire freedom. Because there are things that I remember from that dreaded time in our lives that I don’t want to see again. There are many actions that can compromise a wife’s healing in regards to her husband’s pornography addiction. Here are a few that I believe can really stunt a wife’s healing:
Defensiveness – There is nothing that shows an unteachable spirit than a defensive response to a question or concern. I know, I know, she should be over this by now and just “forgive and forget”. She should quit asking and just trust you, right? Well, I can promise you that with an attitude like that, trust will never be rebuilt. My husband told me years ago, “I don’t ever expect you to trust me again but if you’ll let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying.” He has done just that without any defensiveness. Be the best example of humility that your wife has ever seen.
Lack of Disclosure – As married couples we are supposed to “be there” for each other. We not only rejoice and celebrate the great times in life but we are to bear one another’s burdens during the seasons of life that aren’t so pleasant. Don’t just share parts of your heart. Share all of your heart especially when you were tempted but you crucified the flesh instead. The moment my husband stops sharing is the moment I start to get nervous and wonder if he’s still free. When he does open up about his weaknesses, I am drawn to encourage him and to fight for him. Let your wife do the same for you.
Spiritual Laziness – This affects everything. When you stop attending church or reading your Bible or walking in the power of the Holy Spirit, everything is affected. Your attitude and your actions will eventually veer off the path on which God has you. We need fellowship with other believers, we need the truth from the Word of God and we need to yield our lives and allow the Holy Spirit to lead us. Press into Jesus by spending time in the Word of God. The wisdom of the world is futile so we must stand on the only Source that “doesn’t fade or wither” (Isaiah 40:8). If you do nothing else, do this. And when you do, all else will fall into place because what’s happening on the inside will overflow to the outside.
Husbands, I encourage you to fight with everything in you to maintain freedom from this bondage that cripples by walking in humility, opening up your heart to your spouse and seeking the Lord with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength. Do it for yourself and in turn, you’ll see your wife’s heart heal and her head held high because she knows that her man truly does adore her.