I thought about giving up on our marriage.
In the months after my husband disclosed the full extent of his addiction I felt like I was at war. There was an ongoing battle over whether I should stay in the marriage or go. Whether I could forgive him or not. Whether I could begin to let go of my hate and hurt to make room for healing.
I was at war with him. I was at war with the evil that had entered our marriage. And some days I was at war with myself.
There were many times when I thought about giving up on our marriage. But each time I felt like I couldn’t go on I would hear a still small whisper inside of me telling me to continue the fight. On those days I would give in to that tiny nudge from the Holy Spirit, fill up on strength and encouragement from friends who loved me, and I would jump back into the fight.
Marriage is worth the battle.
There’s a passage in scripture where Moses is feeling the weight of the battle. Exodus 17:10-13 says:
So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword.
Moses was spurring Joshua on while he was in the fight of his life. Moses knew that regardless of how battle weary he became he had to persevere. Even though Moses understood the importance of the fight he still grew tired. When fatigue set in he would start to let go. Thankfully, he had good friends who knew how important this battle was and were prepared to step in and prop him up when he felt he couldn’t do it any more.
Being in the midst of an intense battle is tiring. Being a wife in the battle against pornography is exhausting.
We, like Moses, will have moments when we feel like we can’t hold ourselves up anymore. Count on it. I pray that on those days we would have friends who understand what we are up against. Friends who are present in our struggles. Friends who are willing to hold up our arms when we feel too tired to fight. I pray that we all recognize that we can’t win this war on our own.
We need each other.