The next few blogs that Darcy & I would like to put out
will touch on how porn can & will affect your family. The topics that we will look at are; children,
spouse, and yourself. For the most part pornography
is viewed privately about 95% of the time. People ask often “how can my viewing of porn affect others around
me. I watch it alone; it’s just me and
the porn this can not possibly affect others.” However your actions and habits affect everyone around and your
relationship with them. We hope that
with each section we can bring some light to each area and how it affects you
and others in your life.
How do you explain to your kids why daddy or mommy is going away?
Thankfully this did not happen to Brian and me but, so many other people do not
get the “happy” ending that we did. Families
are broken up, kids get separated from one another and their life is changed
forever. Porn addiction affects the whole entire family.
A Childs Observation
Have you ever noticed your kid(s) doing something that was
wrong and you tell them “don’t do that?” Then they reply “but, you did it.” Now if you’re a parent I’m pretty sure that most of you have heard that
same thing come out of your kid(s) mouth. Below is a piece of a blog I recently stumbled across.
left home and, for 18 months, slept with every male she could get her hands
on. While I was counseling her, it almost seemed she was bragging about
her sexual popularity. Her Dad was angry at the world, but, having known
him for years, I knew the problem was closer to home. You see, for most
of the time she was growing up, he had the Playboy bunny logo (rabbit’s head)
on his keychain, dangling from the steering column everywhere he drove
her. By this, and probably other signals, Dad communicated to his
daughter what was important. Sure, there
were other factors, but her behavior after 16 was, in many ways, a fulfillment
of years of programming.”
Children notice and take note of everything we do. They look up to their parents because we are
their role models and the person they look to for answers. They absorb everything they see us do in
order to form opinions, actions and thoughts.
Guys, when you’re with your buddies and you’re talking
openly about girls; your son will use this as an example how to treat girls he
meets throughout his life. Ladies, the
shows that you watch where women sleeps with or hooks up with various partners;
your daughter will use this when she gets into relationships with guys and
think that this is the norm. What we do
as parents will be observed by our children and they see everything. Even though we think they are not looking,
they are and they notice everything their role model does.
Marriage by Example
Brian and I were not happy at all in our marriage and we had
grown further apart. He was angry all of
the time and just not the man that I had married. This was not something that
was hidden from people any more and our children saw it first hand almost on a
daily schedule. Frustrations and hurt
feelings were driving us apart. I thought that the stress of work and not ever
having enough money was really getting to Brian.
Kids are like students in a class room and we are the
teachers who provide information on how to be adults & couples. The display that Brian and I were providing
for our children was sending mixed messages. One moment things were good and then, we were fighting again. Whether it was because he was never home or
because of our bills which were in part do to porn pay sites. When Brian and I would fight it would trickle
down to the kids through my attitude. One of the kids would do something just a little bit annoying and already
being upset I would snap back at the kids.
We also never really showed true affection to each other in
front of our kids because he never would want to hold hands, gently kiss me or
just hold me in front of the kids. Instead all he ever waned to do was have sex and you just don’t do that
in front of your children. It is ok to
show your children that you love each other through public affection.
“Your Dirty Little Secret”
The average age that a child sees porn for the first time is
now at the age of 11 and is getting younger. The scary thing is that in order for it to be an average there had to be
a balance of kids viewing porn at a younger age as well.
I read so many confessions that start out with how that
person’s addiction got started. The
number one way that people are introduced to pornography is by looking at their
parents porn stash that they find. As
parents Darcy and I often talk about what traits, habits, and morals we will
pass on to our children. Things like
faith, manners, kindness, hard working, and loving are words that we often use
during these conversations. Your love for porn is not one that I think anyone
wants to pass down. How ever this is
exactly what can happen when we do not remove it from our lives.
I am not just talking about the magazines, movies, or books
that you may be hiding but, also your computer usage. Your habits and usage on the internet is used
in the favor of the pornographer and is their opportunity to bombard your email
with advertisements for porn. Not only
is your address in the computer but, so are those of your children. Next thing you know porn links are being
emailed to them because of your quick visit to a porn site.
Not only do you have the email to worry about but, your
history is a major link between kids and their parent’s porn habits. You may only be a casual user or you may be
addicted to it. It does not matter it
still has a way of working its way into our children’s lives. How would you feel if your child posted a
confession here that they were addicted to porn and their confession starts
out; “It all started when I found my parents porn.”?
My children are younger and to explain to them what their
dad was doing wouldn’t be right; yet. My
son knows that for some time his dad was absent from his life on a regular
basis. I was also a ticking time bomb
ready to blow up at the drop of a hat making him scared of how I’d react
next. I was always on edge afraid of
getting caught by someone. Now, I did
not tell him that porn was the reason I acted out the way that I did. I did how ever sit down with him apologize
asking for his forgiveness for the way I acted toward him and his sister. I missed out on a lot of things in their
lives and I will never be able to get that time back but, I can make sure that
it never happens again. You are never
alone in your actions what you do affects everything and everyone around you;
even your children.
Family Time
The main thing that I have seen in our family time is that
it has become enjoyable. There are no weird feelings or anxieties in the air.
Brian and I are able to show love toward one another now and have it be true
feelings. With things settled down the time together is more pleasant, less
yelling and screaming at one another. We are able to enjoy all of what God has
given to us, knowing what life was like before Brian’s recovery started, I am
thankful for every new day with our family.