Sex is full of lies. – Jim Morrison
There are lots of ways to take that statement. One way is to see how we are constantly pressured to buy into the lie that sex equals love. This is such a huge lie, but to ignore that we live in a culture that is propelled and motivated by the sexual imagery found everywhere would be as big of a lie. Our culture screams that if you’re not getting sex your way then you’re not really living. Far too often this cultural lie is twisted and construed to justify our behavior. We give the lie the fertile ground it needs to sink in its roots and start to grow.
The lie when full grown is this, sex is the answer for everything. The more you get the better you will feel. What this does is make sex our default prescription for fixing our troubles. When sex becomes our way of avoiding life’s troubles, we become dependant on it to help us deal with life. This means we make sex something it was never intended to be. We exchange the truth that sex is a gift from God for a lie and we make sex it into an idol.
This is where it really gets tricky because using sex to make us feel better about our life only sends us willing into a trap. We start to think we can indulge in whatever we desire because it makes us feel better. The problem is unless we keep adding more thrill, or excitement we’ll not get the payoff we’re looking for. Porn, affairs, same sex attraction, and other behaviors become even more attractive in the search for ways to escalate the thrill. Since this is done secretly, we lie and deceive to cover our actions. Regret and shame increase, which only adds to the pain we’re trying to medicate and sooner or later it drives us to acting out again. The trap is sprung sending us into an endless cycle with no idea how to end. Marriages and families are ripped apart.
My wife and I had to deal with this. She ended our first marriage after an affair with a friend of mine and after we remarried she confesses her affair with her girlfriend. My life took another hit. Healing started when she confessed that sex had become an idol. This allowed the blood of the lamb to wash over both of us and cover us with His grace. Without that grace I would not have been able to begin the process of healing and to eventually accept my wife and trust her again. But confession and grace are just the starting point.
The next step is to refocus the need for sex into more than actions aimed at making you feel better. We had to understand that we’d both replaced our need for intimacy with the act of sex. To change that we had to start being open and honest in our communication; to trust each other to fulfill each other’s need for real intimacy. When you do that, sex becomes what it was intended to be, a joining together of two bodies that are made one in their desire and mutual love for each other.
In order for me to develop an intimate relationship with my wife I had to be able to trust her, but her past indicated she didn’t deserve my trust. Being willing to risk trusting her again invited her to trust me. Once she experienced that acceptance, she felt safe enough to let down her mask and to invite me to discover who she really is. As I learned more about my wife, I found new things, exciting things that stirred me to get to know her more because I was attracted to what I saw.
If you do this, don’t be surprised if you find yourself once again captivated by the beauty of your wife’s heart as you fall deeper in love with her again and again. For this is how it’s intended to be, a romance that continually grows and lasts a lifetime.
I know this might be hard to do, and no I don’t know the circumstances of your life, but I do know what the power of the blood of Jesus did for my marriage. I have lived to see the restoration of my broken marriage by a God who is so merciful it defies mere words. His mercy can be experienced only through the gift of the abundant life, a gift of grace that only He can provide.