Yes, it was heartbreaking to hear of my husband’s sexual sins against our marriage bed. I felt betrayed. Angry. Confused. Alone. Dirty. I didn’t know what to do or who to talk to. It was like my life had been crushed and the rest of the world just kept going on as normal. Oblivious to my pain. And although my husband was repentant and began seeking sexual sobriety immediately, it didn’t make the pain stop. There were times in the beginning where one minute I’d feel love for him and affection grew between us like I’d never known, and the next minute I felt nothing but hatred and anger towards him. It was an exhausting roller coaster of emotions and I hated it. I just wanted the pain to stop. I remember thinking, even after a couple months into sobriety, “will I ever have a day when I’m not reminded and I don’t feel this piercing pain?!?”
A friend of mine gave me a Bible verse to memorize and it really helped me get through that first year of my husband’s sobriety. Isaiah 43:18 says, “Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” It helped me to think on what God was doing in my husband’s heart NOW and not focus on what my husband did in the past. Did I always stick to this? No. But as time went on and my husband walked out his repentance, I could see that God really was making roads in the wilderness we called a marriage, and making rivers on the desert of my husband’s heart.
So yeah, sobriety was painful at first. But it was also crazily WONDERFUL at the same time. Even though we were both hurting and trying to find healing, the restoration process has been amazing. I started having real conversations with my husband for the first time in over 8 years. He actually wanted to spend time with me and was attracted to me. He wanted to be intimate again. He wanted to spend time with our kids. His demeanor changed and there was a joy in him that was unspeakable. His anger began to subside with each wound healed and he was like a new man. Our marriage became something I treasure and my husband became my favorite person in the world. God sovereignly used the pain and betrayal of this crisis as the catalyst for change in my husband and to restore our marriage. He took something awful and used it to make something beautiful. The road to sobriety is painful at first… but the healing is so worth it!