I didn’t ask for this.
I didn’t want it.
I didn’t go looking for it.
It hit me so hard in the face that I lost any sense of direction for my life.
Betrayal trauma recovery is not something people think, “Yeah that is the ministry I want to major in for my life.” Mainly because it requires exactly what the title says: betrayal and trauma.
Taking part in restoration usually means that something had to break. And in my case, it was everything. My marriage. My identity. My idols. They all came crashing to the ground. Along with it, my heart became dust.
If you are anything like me, the “fix it” type, you may be looking for answers.
How to deal with your trauma?
How to beat porn?
How to rebuild trust?
Well, after discovering my husband’s porn addiction I wanted the best tools for the fastest recovery.
I didn’t want to feel what I was feeling so I wanted it solved. I wanted to be on the other side of this addiction as fast as I could make it happen.
I hate to say it, but I discovered things rarely work that way, especially in recovery.
Recovery is a process. In the case of our marriage, it is not a linear process either.
It’s more like a blob. A blob of chaos, hurt, healing, grief, anger, laughter, joy, more anger, more grief…. I think you get the picture. It’s a blob because both my husband and I are imperfect people.
Recovery is messy. No two stories will ever be the same.
However, I have found the trick to recovery for me, so maybe it will help you too: Simply, show up. Again and again and again. Just do not stop showing up.
Simply by showing up, I am taking back my marriage. I am regaining my identity. I am finding my healing in the blob of chaos.
Stubbornness often gets a bad rap. We see it as a negative character trait most of the time. However, in the context of betrayal trauma recovery, I think it can be one of the greatest tools for long-term healing. It just refuses to stop.
Regardless of the blob of chaos, if I just choose to stay stubborn and show up in my marriage and fight for my own healing. I have found eventually I get there bit by bit.
Sometimes it doesn’t look the way I want. It has included hard conversations, recognizing my own sin and need to change, taking responsibility for my own health, and learning to be a safe person.
So don’t quit friend.
Don’t give up.
You may be right on the edge of your own breakthrough for healing. Just keep showing up putting one foot in front of the other. Just make the next right decision.
Unfortunately, we cannot change the past. We cannot change the things people have done to us or for us.
What we can change is our own decisions. So what is the next right choice in regards to your healing process?
This journey is a long one, dare I saw a life-long one. It’s messy, but there is beauty in it. You may be hurting. You may be fighting to simply get out of bed. Some days are harder than others.
Stay stubborn & keep showing up.
If you want to take a next right step and show up for yourself, sign up for a small group and begin diving deeper into the journey of recovery.