You know that feeling like there’s something in the room with you even though physically you see nobody there? No, I’m not talking about a ghost or spiritual being. I’m talking about what some people call the elephant in the room, the lingering issue that never feels resolved.
That’s what it’s like for a woman who tries to be intimate with her husband while knowing he’s addicted to pornography. As I was talking to my husband about this he glazed at me with a puzzled face as I tried to explain to him the problems with sex and pornography. As a woman, we may physically be present but mentally we could be a thousand miles away. As important as intimacy in a marriage is, more so is trust.
When an individual breaks that trust by seeking outside viewing pleasure there’s a little sightless seed planted in the mind of the woman and from then on the thoughts during intimacy becomes, “is it me?” Am I the one that turned him on or was it a website he viewed, someone on the television wearing too little clothing or possibly that magazine he leaves in the bathroom. Am I enough to attract my husband’s attention-obviously not because he’s spending time looking elsewhere. Whether these thoughts are exactly the same in your head as they were in mine doesn’t really matter.
The point is that feeling of someone else being present when in that moment of intimacy it should be you and your spouse in complete physical and mental connect. It’s a feeling of frustration, anger and loss. As a woman in those shoes it was important for me to talk with my husband letting him know how difficult this has made intimacy for me. Acknowledging that my desires were to be “all in” but because of his addiction I found myself struggling to connect. It was then he started to see how his addiction affected not only my emotional needs but my sexual needs too. Because it was so important to him that we connect sexually he was willing to work with more determination to fight the temptations the devil provided.
Is it time you have a talk with your spouse about the “other” person in your room?