What a freeing thing it is to share your secrets for the first time!  The dam breaks and we puke our stuff out.  For the first time in a long time we are walking in truth.  We feel a release, a lifting of the burden, and a sense of peace.

Not our wives.  They are devastated.  A bomb drops for them, and they quickly spin out of control in anger, resentment, depression, and sometimes revenge.

This is puzzling to guys.  They expect their wives to be proud of them, forgive them, and affirm their courageous step.

Let’s get a little perspective…

Husband – Shares his secret for the first time.

Wife – Learns about the secret, the lies, and the double life for the first time.

Husband – Is repentant.

Wife – Is hocked and furious.

Husband – Feels like he’s turned over a new leaf.

Wife – Feels like her world is torn apart.

Husband – Feels like it’s over now.

Wife – Knows it’s just begun.  Her timeline is a lot longer.

Husband – I’m doing a good work

Wife – He’s breaking trust and destroying our marriage and family.

Husband – Is thinking about himself, his reputation, his recovery.

Wife – Is thinking about herself, her reputation, her family.

Husband – Thinks she’s overreacting.

Wife – Thinks he doesn’t care about her at all.  She even blames herself.

Husband – It’s my problem, and it’s done.

Wife – It’s his problem, and it’s not over.

Truth – It’s both their problem, and it’s far from over.


1.  Time – Her healing will take much longer and you need to give her triple the amount of time to work through it.

2.  Space – She might need to step away for a while.  She might need a breather.

3.  Honest Answers – You need to answer whatever questions she has.  Whatever details you need to give her.  Whatever she needs you to do and say… she deserves it.

4.  Love – A breaking of trust shakes the love foundation up.  You will have to do many selfish acts and make many sacrifices, not to atone for your sins, but to prove your love to her again.  She might need to erupt in anger toward you.  Take it and don’t get defensive.

5.  Go Full Throttle into Recovery – Whatever the time and money cost is to learn about sexual recovery do it.  Do as much as you can.  Go to counseling.  Visit a recovery group.  Get some books.  Listen to podcasts.

by Jeff Fisher

Thanks to our friends Jeff & Marsha at Porn to Purity for this posting.