When considering the topic for this blog, I (Todd) would like to make something very clear. Every Christian man should acknowledge that pornography should not be a part of his life. He should call it what it is. . . sin. I believe these are important points to make because I think some men “keep the door open” to this sin. Many times, there may be a history of rationalizing that pornography is okay as long as no one gets hurt. We also are good at compartmentalizing the sin. I say all this not to avoid the question, but to make clear that a line needs to be drawn and a choice needs to be made to not have pornography in your life. After I made my confession, I had a friend tell me that he and a few other guys would be there for me when I “mess up”. . . Not IF but WHEN. I believe that type of mindset defeats us at the start. I need to live each day determined to not “mess up”. The battle begins in the mind, and I must be on my guard to keep lustful thoughts out of my mind.
If a “mess up” happens, I think a support group or accountability partner can help in prayer and encouragement. Confession to Christ is also key, we must confess and ask Christ to forgive us. I also believe that you must also confess to your spouse. My wife is one of my accountability partners, so she would get the report of where I’ve been. We both like this. So, I would want to confess it to her because I know she’s going to find out anyway. The least I could do for her is come clean to her face. One technique that I learned from a friend described that Alchoholics Anonymous suggest that you carry a marble, stone, or some other similar object in your pocket and when you are over the edge and about to take a drink…throw the marble or similar object as a sign that you are throwing away your sobriety. It is a mental picture that could allow you to realize what you are about to throw away. This could also be used to over come this sin too.
When I (Diane) first read the theme for this blog “What Do I Do When My Husband Stumbles During Recovery”, I told my husband that my part would be short and easy . . .I’d just write that, “I would kill you!” Well, not really, but I’d be dying all over again inside, so I’d want him to feel the pain too.
last year, when we were dealing with Todd’s confession and all the pain it brought to me, I told him that if he ever did want to view porn again to take a sharp knife to my picture (that’s in his office or wallet) and cut me all up in it because that’s what he’d be doing to my heart. I had decided that while I was coping with the intense pain of his addiction, I wasn’t going to do it over and over again. I wouldn’t allow myself to keep being hurt so badly again, so I also told him that if he ever viewed it again, I would forgive him, but I would distance myself from him. I would avoid emotionally connecting with him, so I wouldn’t have to keep dealing with such pain.
Of course, that’s definitely not the right or best way to respond, and, thankfully (to God and Todd), I haven’t had to deal with that. Yet, if I did, I know that I would cry my heart out again and go to the Word of God first, again. My identity is in the Lord, not my husband, what he does or doesn’t do, how he views me, etc. My Lord Jesus will never fail me, so I would go to Him. I would keep praying Scripture, faithfully & passionately proclaiming God’s promises such as:
1 John 5: 14 & 15, 2 Cor. 2:14, John 8:36 and Gal. 5:1, Luke 10:19, and 1 John 3:18b.
I would then find the strength and desire to continue to be my husband’s supporter through this trial, his biggest encourager and cheerleader, his lover. I know that victory would come because I know my God—He loves us and He is faithful to all His promises (Psalm 145:13b). We’ve seen this lived out in other couples we know, and they are now walking in victory to the glory of God!