Over time porn took the place of so many things in my life. I had become blind to all the things around me because I had started to believe the lies it was telling me.
Lies like:
“What’s a little porn going to do to you? Not like it could hurt any one.”
Yep; I fell for that one hook, line, and sinker. The fact of the matter was that it was hurting someone; my wife. It was hurting my wife Darcy because I had replaced our sexual life with that of the porn world. I had replaced her with the women I saw on the screen and in the magazines. She was no longer the women I had married. She had become a sex toy for me. And if I didn’t get what I wanted I destroyed her emotionally or made her feel so bad about it that she would just give in.
“It’s not like a little porn will kill ya.”
I didn’t realize this whopper of a lie until I noticed how much a little had become. Over time a little needed to become more and more for me to get what I needed. this translated into me “working overtime” so I could watch more porn and get my fix. When this lie really sank in though was when I realized how much time it was taking away from my two children. I was not going to events that I should have been as a father. I wasn’t reading those bed time stories to my daughter at night and tucking her in. I missed a lot of my children during those years. Porn didn’t physically kill me but, it was killing my children emotionally.
There was so many things that were sufering in my life because I was blind to all the lies porn told me. I screwed up my marriage, hurt my children, my job was suffering, and my relationship with Christ was falling a part as well.
“God will not love you after what you have looked at.”
I would often think about how I had hurt my Father and how far I had run from Him over time. How could I do this to Him and how could He take me back after what I had done. Porn kept telling me that He would never forgive me and that He would not accept me after what I had done. this was the biggest and dumbest lie I could have ever believed. But I did and so do may of others who battle this addiction every day.
After time and healing I began to realize all of the lie’s that porn had told me. After some time the images in my head have begun to clear from my head. After time I have realized that God loves me no matter who I am, what I did, or what I may do tomorrow. I know he forgives me of my past.
I am still amazed that my wife was able to forgive me as well. She showed me right in front of my own eyes what it was like to live like Jesus at that moment. Yes; she was mad at me for doing what I did. There was a lot of healing that needed to take place and a ton of work that needed to get done to restore our marriage. but she forgave me, told me she loved me, and that we would get through this. She says it best when asked how she did it. “I was so angry at Brian for what he did to me and our family. But I stood up there on our wedding day and said for better or for worse. I was going to fight for my marriage because I knew the man I had fallen in love with was still in there some were.”
Do not let this become a part of you. Do not let others fall into this pit. Fight for your marriage, get help, talk, confess, and be free from the trap of pornography.