That pretty much sums it up!
If there is one phrase that has rang in my ears for the majority of my life, it’s the lie that I just can’t possibly stop this sin. It took me over 20 years to realize that this was a lie; and I’m only 28 years old.
Even as a child, I always felt attracted to girls. I’m not entirely sure when I first realized it, but I just always remember feeling that way. (Thank God we aren’t controlled by our feelings, right?) I remember so far back to elementary school when my girl friends were crushing on the boy’s gym teacher, while I thought the young substitute named Miss Bliss was beautiful. (Yes, that was her actual name. Irony much?) What was even more confusing was that I was attracted to boys too. I had boyfriends when I was in middle school. Not only because I was terrified to tell anyone I liked girls, but because it was what I was “supposed” to do. There was one boy I fell in love with and dated for 8 months, but that was in middle school. Who knows what “love” is that young anyway?
The reason I gave some history is because it started my belief that I couldn’t stop my sin. Because I had these feelings from such a young age, I believed it was just who I was. And because I wasn’t sharing these feelings with anybody else, I didn’t have anyone telling me it wasn’t true either.
Since I decided early on that I could never tell anyone what I was truly going through, I subconsciously was led into acting out other sins. I’ve always been a firm believer that one thing always leads to another. The same goes for sinning. We sin, we hide it, which leads to a “bigger” sin, which leads to more hiding. It progressively got worse. Hiding my homosexual thoughts made me a great liar. I’m ashamed to admit that, but I used to be a great liar.
I was so good at lying and hiding things, that it became easy to hide the fact that I had been watching porn since I was 15. I stumbled upon those scrambled channels late one night and my world changed in an instant. It changed for the worse. I knew it was wrong, but I was drawn to it. The thought of getting caught was impossible to me because I was already such a great liar. For some reason I was never caught. Some days I wish I had been. Maybe if I would have been caught, I wouldn’t have been addicted to porn for the next 13 years.
Sadly, my sins claimed a very large portion of my life. Almost half of my life I was living a double life. I was professing to be a follower of Christ while at the same time viewing porn and lusting after women.
Notice how the title refers to being afraid? That’s where it starts. Since the beginning of creation fear and sin go hand in hand. When Adam and Eve sinned against God for the first time in history, they hid. Why? Because they were afraid. When I sinned, I hid, because I was scared to death. I was not only scared of being found out, but that I would be this way forever. I was scared that if I shared my secrets, that people would tell me there was no hope for me. Funny thing is, I already believed that to be the truth.
So why go through the pain of exposing my darkest secrets?
Freedom. That’s why.
My confession to you today is that I have stopped this sin. I still struggle with being tempted to sin, but I choose not to give in to the temptation.
So can you. You CAN stop this sin. Any sin. All of your sins.
Sin lost its power the day Jesus died on that cross. When you come to the cross, sin loses its power over you. I beg of you, do not buy into the lie that change isn’t possible for one more moment. Christ died to set you free from the power of whatever sin you are struggling with. Please don’t let fear keep you from realizing the truth that you CAN stop.