God has a crazy way of making our endings His new beginnings.
In regards to my addiction to pornography, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. When I was introduced to porn, instinctively, I knew that my eyes had seen something I was never meant to see. Because of that knowledge, shame set in. It started when I was very young. It didn’t begin as a full blown addiction. The realization that I was addicted was a process. There was no single moment where I had an epiphany. In a lot of ways I always knew, I just never wanted to admit it to myself, let alone anyone else. What I actually came to understand was that I wasn’t addicted to porn specifically. I was more addicted to what it gave me. I realized that I was only seeking to please myself. My addiction was actually to my Self. Pornography was just a means to an end for me. I could turn anything into porn in my mind. For a long time, I thought my addiction was totally hidden from everyone because no one ever saw me watch porn. No one was with me when I was in the midst of it. It wasn’t until my selfishness began to spill over into all other areas of my life that I actually noticed the effects of my addiction.
What made my addiction so invisible to me was that it didn’t show itself only in sexual ways. I started noticing that I was treating people as if their only purpose was to do what I wanted. Not sexually, but in everyday life situations. If someone didn’t agree with me, I didn’t understand why. I became angry with people who didn’t do exactly as I wanted. Pornography trained my brain to reduce people into simple objects to satisfy my wants and needs.
When I became aware of the effects of my use of pornography, I knew I had a problem. It wasn’t hidden anymore. My sin was brought into the light. When I finally admitted to a friend what I was struggling with, the process of quitting started. However, much like any other addiction, I would have months of sobriety but then I would rationalize my setbacks. I used to keep track of how many days it had been since I viewed porn. What I didn’t realize was that keeping track kept me bound to it. It wasn’t until I decided to rest in the freedom Christ offered me that I was able to stop counting the days, and just be free.
At just the right time, God sent an amazing friend into my life that was willing to love me enough to keep me accountable. Without judgment or condemnation, she has walked with me through my struggles and my successes. We talk almost daily and meet weekly to talk about how I’m doing. I downloaded the X3 Watch software onto my phone and my laptop to make sure that I was staying honest. Not just with her, but with myself, and with God. The hiding is no longer possible. I took the risk of being fully known by someone in order to have the abundant life Christ intended me for.
Like I said at the very beginning, God has a crazy way of turning our endings into His beginnings. I thought my addiction to porn would never end. I honestly believed that. I was actually terrified of where my addiction would eventually lead. But God had other plans for me. He turned the evolution of my sin into the revolution you’re reading now.
Literally speaking, having the opportunity to share my testimony with you through this website is something I never could have imagined. Before God got involved, I was scared of where this addiction would lead me. But when Got intervened, He grabbed by addiction, held it in His hands, and transformed it into my ministry.
This Church was created so that you could have a safe place to be honest, be accountable, and be set free. Its mission is to meet you where you are, and to love and support you through your choice of recovery. I chose to quit, and with the help of The Holy Spirit through this ministry, I have been porn free for months. My desires are completely different now that I have placed my life in the hands of Christ.
He can stop the seemingly never-ending evolution of your addiction and then create a revolution in your heart. All you have to do is allow Him.