“Sex is hardly ever just about sex.” Shirley MacLaine
Drawn. So very drawn to her. Hardly a teen and watching a movie with a bunch of girlfriends. Oh how they went on about the leading man. “Forget him!” I thought, “Check HER out.” Oh why did I enjoy watching her so much. There was more action when she walked than a burlap bag of bobcats. I was mesmerized. Speechless. She looked as good coming into a room as she did leaving. Of course I would never share how I felt. I didn’t ask for this! I was so confused and ashamed. Oh yes, and … exhilarated! What do I do with this? Stuff it of course. I don’t know how big the cavern was that I stuffed things into, but apparently big enough for sexual abuse, big enough for my fears, big enough for trauma and a load of shame. I did not talk. Not about this kind of thing. Not at all. Zip.
I loved female touch. Gentle touch. It wasn’t sexual or anything, not until much later. It was just nice. Soothing. Warm. Comforting. I craved it a bit. Being touched by a female I loved was a healing feeling. I was a hard sponge and even a drop of loving touch was instantly soaked up. My family was great, but my perception was that we were only somewhat affectionate. My best friend’s family was Christian. They were also huggers. It was the most wonderful thing to know I would be hugged. I started hugging my mom more at home. She loved it and I think she caught on that it was important to me. She called me “sweet” when I hugged her. Being #4 in a busy, two parent working home, left me wanting more time with her. I think a part of me wanted to share the cavern with her. I needed to be held about it all. But alas, I held it in.
You will find when you listen to the stories of lesbians, that one of the most common denominators is that they “just wanted to be held.” The longing, acted out can become eroticized. Lines can get blurred. Then emotional dependency acts like cement and BAM! You are connected. You feel fulfilled or more complete … at least for a while.
“But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full grown, brings forth death.” James 1:14-15
It sure doesn’t feel like death when temptation comes. It feels energizing! Let’s face it, you get a high. You want more! You add more. So fun! Wheeeee! You wheeeee yourself into a full confrontation with death. The death of a part of your soul. You didn’t even feel the handcuffs come on as Death parades you around the room victoriously.
In my situation, I remember thinking and singing “If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.” I thought I had found the piece to my heart’s puzzle with my lesbian lover. Turns out the void in my heart was like the Grand Canyon. Throwing sex at it was like throwing a pebble. You couldn’t even hear it when it hits the bottom. There is never enough pebbles.
But there IS a ROCK!
“I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength in whom I will trust.” (VS 6)” In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears.” Psalm 18:1,6
There is a ROCK! A Deliverer! He is a canyon filler! “My strength in whom I will trust.”
What? Not trust in my own desires? Not trust in sex to fulfill me? The very first scripture I held in my heart was Proverbs 3:5-6.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.”Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust with all my heart. All my heart. All. All? “He will help me.” I reasoned. I was a drunk, pot smoking, rowdy, gay, party girl who had just given her life to Christ. Good luck God. Turns out he didn’t need luck.
He just needed a willing heart.