After reading this confession this morning it brought back a lot of old memories. Please know that if you are dealing with this that there is hope, there is a God who loves you no matter were you are, and that you are not alone in this. You can
upload your confession HERE or read others HERE. Here is one that hit me:
“Helplessness”
I’ve been struggling with porn for ten years now. I’m now 22, and I
first saw porn and stuff before I was a Christian. I’ve never really
gotten “better” in the sense of denying it constantly. I mean, my
senior year of college my best achievement was not masturbating for a
month. I no longer look at it daily, or weekly, or even monthly. But it
still comes back. It always come back. I’m sick of who I am now, who I
am that can never change. I know God says that He is our strength, and
I know that His burden is easy. God says he will win the battle for us,
but guys? I don’t believe it anymore. I just can’t. I screwed up, yet
again, this July. I was in a relationship that eventually ended,
primarily because of the sexual problems. We were going too far (not
sex, but that doesn’t even matter. we both agreed it was too far). This
occurrence was like the anvil that utterly obliterated the poor camel’s
back.
I’m sick of it. I’m sick of me, and I’m sick of this,
but it never gets fixed. I screw up every few months or so. That hasn’t
changed for years. I just spent four months ruining a relationship that
everyone around us knew had really cool potential. I’m sick of failing
all the time, I’m sick of this hurting. I just want to ACTUALLY see God
work here. But I haven’t, I look back, and it’s either me striving
alone or with others. And if somebody says “Well, God works through
other people” I would virtually punch them. I know He works through
others, but I need to KNOW He’s helping me. I’ve lost my hope on this
stuff. Sure, I still trudge along to not do these things (and a
wonderful case of depression has pretty much obliterated my libido) but
it doesn’t change the fact that I’m gonna screw up again. I’m sick of
hurting others with this… I made my (then) girlfriend so depressed
she was going to the doctors about stuff, and couldn’t talk with her
family (whom she is VERY close to) about it.
I want to
actually see Him work in me with this. I’m sick of all the
disappointment. Now I’m just trying to put up my walls. Lose all the
vulnerability I’ve given. There’s too much pain, and too much
disappointment for this anymore. I feel like faith-wise I’ve hit the
end of a pretty important rope, guys.
(Sorry to drop the
downer, but I don’t know where to go. I usually don’t talk to anyone
about all this, but I’m trying to go to new resources.)