Every day we receive confessions here at XXXChurch and some just grab a hold of you. Here is one that did just that to me this week. Upload your confession HERE or read others HERE. Here is one that hit me:
I’m a 26 year old man married to my beautiful high school sweetheart
for four years. I have also struggled with pornography addiction since
I was 14 years old. For over a decade, it has ruled a part of my life.
At times, I’ve thought I had beaten it only to fall again. I am ashamed
and embarrassed of my lack of self-control. But, worst of all, I’m
destroying my marriage. Last night, my wife confronted me about my
addiction. After denying it, I finally admitted that I had acted out
this week for the first time in ten months. I had been using
accountability software, but recently found a loophole. Once I knew
this, I turned back to my sin.
This is the third time that
my wife has had to face the ugly truth about me. Every time, it has
crushed her self-confidence and trust in me more. I’m not sure she can
come back from this one. I cannot blame her. Last spring, we even
sought out counseling to try and repair our marriage. I don’t know if
anything can fix it this time. Sometimes, I wonder if she wouldn’t be
better off without me in her life. I cannot forgive myself for
continuing to hurt the person I love most in the world.
installed better software on my computer now (safe eyes) and I hope
this will be helpful in my recovery. Also, I’m working through the
X3Pure workshop. I hope this can fix me. But, I cannot fix my wife.
Please pray for me–that I can once again gain control over my
addiction. But, more importantly, please pray for my wife. She has done
nothing to deserve this. I don’t care what happens to me now. I just
want her to be healed and happy.
I’m not sure she can forgive me again; I’m not sure I can forgive myself this time, either.