Here is an email from Bill, who I met this weekend in Ohio. We just interviewed
him on this weeks podcast, so check that out. Please pray for Bill and his
family.
This is the end of Porn Blvd. ….Craig
My first time I was introduced to porn was when I was about 11. My friend
who lived down the street who was the same age, was apparently allowed to have
it. He lived with his mom, and in his room there was porn all over the place.
It was never hidden, so I would believe that his mom had to know. And since
his dad was no where to be found, where else would he be getting it from? Anyways,
I had already been masturbating since I was 7 or so, not really knowing why,
but I was. When i first saw this porn at my friends house, I was instantly
hooked. I was practically living over is house, just so I could be around it
constantly, and when I couldn’t be there, I would “borrow” it and take it home
and hide it. Porn changed my whole perception on what the world was really
like. It made me think that all men and women were put on this earth for my
pleasure. Being exposed to porn at such an early age, made drastic changes
in my life, all for the bad of course! When I was 14 or so, I got my first
computer. Back then it was BBS websites, nothing like it is today, but I was
still seeking porn, or people. And I was still masturbating atleast 2-3 times
a day. When I got to be about 16, and I got my first car, I would find myself
picking up the free newspapers and looking for the porn ads and calling them,
porn was in my head 24/7. I began “dating”, but all it really was was picking
up anyone I could just to have sex with them, and then rushing home to look
at porn and mmasturbate again. My need for porn was out of control, even at
the age of 17. After awhile, just the “normal” porn wasn’t good enough. I was
seeking more taboo subjects, or people. I would look at people and never think,oh
they are nice people, I would look at them and sexualize them in my mind, just
like I had seen in the porno’s. I went to college and when I graduated, I began
a career as a corrections officer. I passed all the tests with flying colors,
I thought it was funny how I hid my addiction and now I was working for a police
department! When I was 22 or so, I got the real internet as it exists today.
Between cyber sex, porn sites, and emails, I could not get enough! Somewhere
along the line, my porn addiction dipped into the child pornography. As I have
told many people, the child pornography, to me, was never about sex. It was
just another image to feed my addiction. I never talked to a underage person,
or tried to meet an underage person, as we so frequently hear these days. But
I did view and trade with other people child porn. I knew I had a problem and
prayed to God to help me. And He did! I am currently awaiting sentencing on
Feb. 3, 2006 in US Federal Court for possesion and distribution of child porn.
And I am grateful!!!! I am facing some serious time in prison, but I am not
bitter in the least. It’s not like you can ask God to fix something under your
terms, this is what He wants, and I will do as He asks. I have been using your
monitoring program for about 2 months now, it is awesome, and I’m so grateful
that you provide it free, since I am financially in ruins due to my pending
incarceration. I went to my 12-step meeting this morning (saturday) and found
out that your group will be coming to Willoughby Hills, Ohio next weekend,
and I am anxious to go! I wish there was a way, I could help people realize
just how horrible it really can get. I so grateful for people like you willing
to make a stand and try to help others.
See you next week!
Bill
Here is a follow up email after our meeting!
I have been anxiously awaiting your email. I know you are very busy, so I
just waited, and prayed that you would remember me. I would definetly be willing
to share my story with your show, but if we could schedule it maybe for next
wed.?.. I think I told you before about my mother in law who is dying
of stage 4 cancer, Beth (my wife) and I have been at the Cleveland Clinic almost
all of yesterday, and we just came home today with her mom, so we are very
very tired. Not to mention, I have to work tonight, but in no means am I trying
to get out of it. I would love to share my story. In fact, last sunday night
I went back to the church for their Victory Over Porn Celebration, and I got
up in front of about 400 absolute strangers and told them how pornography has
effected my life. I even went as far as telling them about my role and future
consequences of my viewing of child pornography. The people there were blown
away, because I was so candid. I know societies view on “people like me” who
view child pornography, but as I told you before, I feel God has answered my
prayers for help, and I am not ashamed of telling others, if I can help them
go down the road I have. I was so nervous getting up in front of the congregation,
I really wanted to, but I was afraid/nervous. I said a small prayer to God,
asking him if he really wanted me to talk, I would, and the next thing you
know, I was standing in line to speak! As I told you before, and I like to
make this clear, because I am not trying to minimize my victims, but I do not
have direct victims. I never tried to meet a child under 18, nor did I ever
talk to someone under 18. I just ad this because I feel it is important. I
am going to be labeled a sexual offender through my sentencing, and in today’s
society a sex offender is a child rapist, or a potential child abducter. I
can’t help what society feels, but I can only act as my own model for what
I know I am, and am not. Sorry to be rambling on, but I am so happy to hear
from you. When I was finished speaking, I felt this awesome power come over
me, and it could only be the power of God, I have no other opinion on it. With
out your awesome group coming to that church, I would have never expierienced
it. THANK YOU! Many people came up to me afterwards and said they would pray
for me, not to mention how they were amazed at my candidness. But I told them
the same thing I told you. If I can help just one person from going through
what I have then it’s all worth it, and hopefully, they can gain an attraction
to God, like I have, because without God, nothing is possible. I want you to
know, I truly appreciate you personally talking to me, and emailing me. I now
I keep saying it, but I am truly grateful to meet you! My wife and I are going
through a terrible time, but we are blessed by awesome family and friends.
As I said before, Beth’s mom is not well and needs 24hr. care. She is on a
feeding tube, and will never eat or drink anything again. She had a tumor in
her esophagus to her stomach, and all of it was removed in I believe August
of 2005, and was doing very well until December of 2005, when she was rediagnosed.
The cancer had came back to her throat, and then she shoulders, tailbone, and
an adreanal gland. Her time with us is very limited, according to her doctor.
We are doing what we can for her, she lives with us, and we have her under
hospice care as well. We take it one day at a ime with her. My wife’s employer
has been wonderful throughout all of this.Beth is an insurance agent. She had
taken all of her sick time and vacation time to care for her mom. Once her
time was gone, she was taking time off without pay, but her employer, through
the Grace of God, has paid her for that time, just recently. The girls that
work in her office have also volunteered for the last three weeks, to make
dinners for us, and from what I understand it is still continuing. The dinners
have been such a blessing since Beth’s mom is so sensitive to smells and what
not, it makes it hard to cook in our home. As I told you when I met with you
last saturday, I used to be a correction officer for a local police department.
As soon as I was under investigation, I lost my job. This was a huge
financial impact. Since June of 2004 when I first became under investigation,
I’ve sold my home and moved into a mobile home. It is alot smaller, than what
I had, but I’m not complaining. My attorney has taken any and all of any savings
I had. To do it all again, I would have not gotten this attorney, he has taken
about $45,000 so far. He is good at what he does, but just kind of pricey.
I appreciate your concern for my wife and I and our situation, financially,
emotionally, and others. I am not asking for anything, but my chance to help
you spread my story, and help other’s. Prayers are always welcome. I hope that
I don’t go to prison, but if I do, I would still want to stay in contact with
you, and do whatever I can! I would appreciate the gentleman from Cleveland
if he wanted to come in support on Feb. 3rd. My sentencing is at 10am. He can
email me or call me, or him and I can meet as well. Craig, anytime you want
to call me please feel free to do so. I’m still smiling from ear to ear just
from hearing from you! And I would love to share with you on your show, just
this wednesday is not a good day.
We will have people there with Bill and his family on February 3rd….
Craig