I’ve made a confession a while back but its been hard. I’ve told a
couple of ppl that I know I can trust and help me. But I’m afraid to
ask for accountability. I also got a number to talk to a counselor but
I haven’t called. I guess I’m too ashamed of having this problem of
being addicted to porn and masturbating or I’m afraid of being turned
away and not getting the right help. I guess b/c before I tried to get
help but ppl always seem to push me away or just overlook it.
The past couple of months not all the time but there’s been a few times
that I’ve viewed lots of porn on the internet and went on this huge
masturbating moments. I really want to stop. A few times I didn’t feel
like doing it or when I viewed or masturbated it didn’t seem
satisfactory but I still did it. Idk what’s up w/ that but I know its
wrong and yet I still do it, even when there’s no satisfaction. I pray
and I read the Bible but it seems to be harder to ignore. Its like I’m
drawn to it no matter what and it gets worse when good things start
happening in my life like job interviews that will pay me more money to
pay my loans and bills off plus getting a car.
On top of that
I started to think about other stuff, I’ve tried to have sex w/ guys
but its always been a failed mission either they pass out on me, go to
jail, or they tell me “I don’t want to be the guy you lost your
virginity too, come back when you’ve lost it. Then I’ll have sex w/
you.” I’ve also thought of cybersex, and maybe even considered a
homosexual relationship b/c porn and masturbation is no longer as
satisfying and I seem to not stop. But I don’t want to do that stuff,
but it keeps coming up in my mind. I even visual is it when I’m
masturbating or occasionally when I’m looking at porn.
At
times I wish I had the Celebrate Recovery program like the church I
interned at a while back but I kinda screwed it up w/ my drinking
problem b/c I had ppl I could talk to and stuff. Here in this small
town I have no one to talk to and there’s not even a program set up for
this, only thing is AA which I’ve been to before b/c I had drinking
problem. This town also has a dark spiritual bondage and it seems like
this addiction gets worse when I’m here, but then again I really don’t
know. I’d do it somewhere else but I’ve notice that its just more often
when I’m home and my hometown.Idk. I should call that counselor but I
keep making the excuse I can’t go that far to just see a counselor for
a short time, then its like well they do phone sessions. so then I
start thinking, well I can’t find a quiet place to talk w/o everyone
listening or interfering or I haven’t told my parents/fam that I have
this problem. I’m afraid to mostly telling my mom b/c I know that she
will never make me forget it and she would use it against me in any
argument just like she does w/ the alcohol and my Christian walk. I
wish I could talk to her but sometimes it feels like she doesn’t care
for me or love me enough to see beyond my mistakes and understand that
I need her to help me through it, and to not judge me so much w/ such
hurtful words. I feel like the lonelist person in the world and I feel
like God’s just going to give up on me b/c I can’t stop or that I’m not
good enough. I feel like such a failure.
I guess I should pray
for courage to get help, and guidance on where to go. I just want to
stop b/c its ruining my life, spiritually and its a hinderance.