The porn show in Vegas happened this past weekend and stirred up lots of memories for me. To pick up where I left off last week…So I was in South Beach after the porn convention in 2002 and I felt TOTALLY alone (see beginning of story here) and I thought a change of locations could change me so in the fall of 2002 I moved back to Lexington Kentucky. I gave up my adult entertainment booking business to my partner in the Czech Republic over the phone and left all of my belongings in Mexico City. Not long after I moved home a friend of mine asked me to come to church (Quest Community Church) and I thought THAT was the craziest idea I had ever heard. After everything I had done and the person I had become I didn’t want to go. I was used to this idea of hell fire and brimstone, hymns and condemnation, and that if I started going to church I would have to stop wearing makeup and wear dresses with little flower print on it all the time. I felt disqualified from loving or being loved. I felt ashamed of my life even though I was very vocal with people that I wasn’t. I was drowning in addiction looking for anytime I could be alone in front of computer or TV and had no clue that anything could be different.
When I first walked into the church I was met with love and grace from people and from God. I asked lots of questions about who this man Jesus was and could He really love me despite what I had done and even will do – the bad and the good. And it turns out He does. After 6 months of questioning on April 27th 2003, I finally got a picture of grace, and that all I needed to do was to ask Him for His forgiveness, come live in my heart and lead my life. He made me pure again and He didn’t stop there. In 2005 I knew I had to get help for my sex and porn addiction. I started to do some research on women with sex addiction and found a great curriculum to use (XXXCHURCH resources for women here) and I found a sponsor to be accountable to and 6 months later I started a group for women who are sex, pornography and relationship addicts.
Since then, over 200 women have found freedom and healing. I’ve seen stories of breakthrough like a woman who had been in an affair for years and became free of the relationship and is now thriving, to women who realized they didn’t have a relationship with Jesus and they asked Him to forgive their sins, move into their hearts and lead their lives, to women who could not stop looking at pornography who have now had years of sobriety, and I could go on and on. We also this year just got to launch BeLoved to reach out to sex industry workers to let men and women know they are loved and valued.
So my WHY PORN? answer: For me, porn was the only thing I knew to use to try and escape the world I had created around me. The only escape I knew to try and fill a void that was overrun by fear, insecurity and ego. And it was not easy to release the grip pornography had on my life. I have to stay accountable. I use the tools around me. Humbly admit that I can’t do it on my own. Ask Jesus in His power to give me strength each day. My years of doing things in my own power got me nowhere so I know now I have to lean on His strength and get great leadership. I have the X3 software on my computer, last week I downloaded the app for my iphone. Get yours: iTunes store. I do not underestimate my capacity to sin. There IS freedom. There IS hope. You are not alone in this.
“Everyone who runs toward Him, makes it” Psalm 18:30 (MSG)
Guest blogger – Sandra Collins (x-stripper, trafficker, and porn addict)
So for you: WHY PORN?