I oftentimes wonder if God looks at us either in disgust, pity, or shame when we continue to do things against what the Bible tells us not to do. I’m not a Bible scholar by far and perhaps could pick up the Bible a few more times than I nonexistently do now unless when the preacher yells out a scripture on Sunday morning, but I will admit I am familiar with a few things. I know that somewhere in there around 1 Corinthians 7 it talks about no sex before marriage. I grew up in church in the youth group with them talking about “no sex before marriage.” I took purity classes in high school and college making a vow to remain pure and not have sex till marriage but as it’s turned out, I have had sex before marriage…and enjoy doing so.
I waited for as long as I could because everyone told me to do so. I realized that I had never once decided to abstain from sex because I wanted to but because they said I should not. I heard all the compelling stories from individuals who wish they had waited on their husbands, those who felt like they never knew the meaning or importance till after or those who felt as if it was a waste of time because they gave it to the wrong person. I get all that but that wasn’t my story. Those stories impelled me for a moment but never really resonated with me because again, it was never fully a decision that I made. When I decided to have sex, I did so mainly to release the burden and tension of others that I had been carrying around for so many years. I was tired of carrying around everyone’s expectations of who or what I should do or be. I wanted to make a conscious decision to do so because I wanted to and be prepared to reap whatever benefits or consequences that followed my decision.
I honestly don’t see myself getting married. A lot of people have shared with me that this is just a stage, I’m only feeling this way because of whatever sounds good for them to say at the time, but I truly don’t foresee that happening. I came to terms with this last year. I think because I believed if I did everything I was supposed to do according to how I was raised and the things I was told in church, I believed that I would be handsomely rewarded with the desires of my heart but that never happened.
As it turned out, I believed in a fairytale of how life was supposed to be. I figured at some point that my knight and shining armor would come and rescue me but that never happened. In all of that never happening, I stopped looking for it and in a sense began to live life the way I saw fit. I did what I felt was right for me to do and to stopped living off the premise of everyone else. I enjoy sex. I understand that sex is meant to join two into one but right now, in this particular phase of my life, that has yet to deter me. We both get what we want and then go on our merry little way. I don’t have any emotions attached to it and I’m sure to some this may be an unhealthy act but its where my head is right now. To some this may seem like a cry out for help, a red flag for prayer or a lifeline boat because I need to be “saved.” Where I just see it as me coming into my own whether stumbling and falling or walking in unscathed. Either way, this is where I currently am and my stance on it. Like it. Love it. Hate it. Start a prayer circle about it…it really doesn’t matter to me as long as you accept it.
Seems harsh but this is my confession…
I’m Jus’ Sayin…