I believe I have hit rock bottom!
I have dated a man who was married in the beginning and now separated
with children. He doesn’t let me break up with him. I try and then he
starts getting upset and I know what I am doing isn’t right because
of our situation. I was pregnant a little over a year ago and had to
have an abortion. I still haven’t gotten over it and am in the process
of getting over a lot of things in life that I have and am doing that
While going over several of the blog comments, I have come across a few that I want to address as a blog within itself. One reason is that I don’t want the person who sent the email to miss my comment to them and two, I think what they are going through is not too far off from what others may be experiencing as well.
When it comes to this particular scenario, while it was not presented as a question, it does appear that the person has a lot of internalized issues. The three that I picked up on are as follows:
1) I believe I have hit rock bottom!
2) I have dated a man who was married in the beginning and now separated
3) He doesn’t let me break up with him.
I will take each issue one at a time.
1) I think I have said before that I believe that our feelings are a therometer for our heart. In other words, when you feel something, while you shouldn’t totally rely on it (after all, the Bible does tell us that the heart can be deceitful—Jeremiah 17:9), it is a good idea to pay attention to what it is trying to communicate to you while assessing a matter. That said, if you feel that you have hit “rock bottom”, there is a good chance that you are right. The bigger point is that NO RELATIONSHIP should leave a person feeling that way. Ecclesiastes has two scriptures on friendship (and all relationships should have friendship as its foundation) that I love. Ecclesiastes 4:9 states that two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor and Ecclesiastes 4:11 says that if two lie together they will keep one another warm because no one can warm themselves alone.
I don’t believe this “lying and warming” were to be referenced to just the physical sense. Take it from me, there is nothing worse than being in a relationship alone; where you are not supported, encouraged and helped; where you find yourself becoming less of who God wants you to be than more; where you are crying more than you are smiling. If you are with a man and the bottom line is that in being with him, you feel that you have hit “rock bottom”, then he sounds like a weight that you need to release. I’m not saying it will be easy, but sister to sister, I am saying that it sounds like it is vitally necessary! Nothing about what you are saying, even if the two of you are physically involved, sounds like you have much of a friendship at all.
2) You dated a man who was married in the beginning and now separated? That means he is still married. Oscar Wilde once said that when a man marries his mistress, he leaves the position vacant. I’m sure you know that the stats of an adulterous relationship lasting longterm are slim to none, but greater than that, why would you want a relationship with a man who would betray his wife, his God and himself in the way that he did (by being in a relationship with you while he was in convenant with someone else)? And, as someone who dated more people’s boyfriends than I would care to admit, I am a firm believer that when you “see one roach”, that means there are many others around that you don’t see. In other words, there’s a HUGE chance that he is not just beytraying his wife, but you as well. You are probably not only “sharing him” with one woman, but several. I don’t even know you, but I know God made you and he makes good things, so I can confidently say that you deserve better than that! You also mentioned that he has children…and the child that you aborted, was that his child as well? Love shouldn’t be so hard…bring so much pain and death. And the truth is, real love isn’t and doesn’t. Real love is of God and God is not the author of confusion (I Corinthians 14:33). This has A LOT of confusion in it.
3) If you have not broken up with this man, it’s because YOU don’t want to. You are far too powerful to give someone the right to let you decide when it’s time to stay and when it’s time to go. Now, I can understand if you are saying that he is making it hard for you to leave, but for you to remain, after adultery and an abortion, there is some kind of hold (a stronghold, at that) the relationship has on you that is preventing YOU from making the decision to leave it alone. As it relates to that, I just want to encourage you to consider that there is a huge possibility you are not loving this man; you are addicted to him. Ask any junkie and they will tell you that after awhile, they don’t chase the high for the high’s sake. No, they darn near kill themselves to get to the narcotic just to sustain some level of existence. It doesn’t give them anything “great”, it just keeps them from hitting, ironically, rock bottom…a place you say that you already are. If being with this man has you at your lowest of low, what really is the high?
I don’t want you to feel “beat up on”. I’ve been where you are: in a relationship that brings only death and yet, I remain. Several years ago, I wrote a poem and in it, I wrote, “God promised to give me the desires of my heart, not the aid to my addiction.”
God wants to give you the desires of your heart, but Psalm 37:4 comes with a condition: You must be willing to delight in him, first. You didn’t get into this relationship overnight and so I don’t expect you to get out of it that easily, but I am hoping and praying that this response provides you with enough “black and white” and “in your face” to stop romanticizing what you are dealing with. The Message Version of Ecclesiastes 7:18 says that a man who fears God deals with ALL OF REALITY and the reality is, this relationship is costing you dearly. Dr. Phil once said, “Never invest more in a relationship than you are willing to lose.” The only relationship that you should give your entire life—mind, body and soul to, is Christ.