I
have absolutely no excuse for what I
did. Last night, as I was channel
surfing, I found myself riding the disturbingly intriguing reality series
finale wave of VH-1’s “Rock of Love 2”. Yes, yes, feel free to be totally disappointed in me because without a
doubt that 1 ½ hours of time that I will never get back proved the point that Richard P. Adler once made: “All television
is children’s television.” It wasn’t
food or even a snack for thought.
Or was it?
As
I watched two women who only knew this rocker dude, Bret Michaels for a few
weeks, it was fascinating to see them fight to the death to be his “one true
love” (I mean, can you even get to know a person enough to like them in a few
weeks?) As they swapped slob and shared
bedrooms with him and each other (give or take a few levels of intimacy), all
the while giving him whatever he wanted in hopes that he would make them his
final decision (his choice was Ambre and already there are reports that she
doesn’t quite fit the bill, by the way), I couldn’t help but think of how he
continued to describe his pseudo connection with the women in “his house” a
“spiritual” one. It also confirmed why I
don’t really find peace in people who say, “I’m not religious, I’m spiritual”
because after all, the devil is a spirit. I really would prefer it if you were more specific.
Anyway,
of course, it would be easy to judge these women, but as I watched them crying
as he gave this drawn out speech (for the benefit of the producers, I’m sure), before
announcing his decision, I found myself actually pitying and empathizing with
them. No, I have never been on a reality
dating show, but I do know what it’s like to compete for a man’s affection; I
know what’s it’s like to get caught up in someone I barely even know (you can’t
really know anyone in a few weeks or month’s time, sorry), and I know what it’s
like to give myself to him in hopes that I will win him over.
It’s
such a sick game to play.
Thankfully,
I found some reading material to purge all of the foolishness out of my
psyche. As I was in bed reading the
‘Eden Defiled…And Redeemed” chapter out of Tim Alan Gardner’s “Sacred Sex”
book, I came up on a few lines about what Bret, those women and I had become
victims (and victimizers) of: casual sex.
“Casual sex is by
definition meaningless sex. It’s a
misdirected attempt to solve loneliness or seek wholeness. It will always leave you empty. But sex with an understanding of its true
meaning and experienced within God’s boundaries will leave you fulfilled and
feeling loved. The contrast between the
two couldn’t be more dramatic….by waiting, you’ll also miss out on all the
collateral damage that comes with crossing the boundaries. All sexual activity outside God’s design
damages your life. I have yet to meet a
couple who has said, ‘You know, I’m so glad we slept around before we got
married.’ I haven’t even had a couple
tell me, ‘We’re glad we slept with each other before we got married. We have no regrets.’ But I’ve had many talks at length about their
regret, their pain, and the damage that having sex outside of God’s parameters
caused them. Even if it’s not a case of
promiscuity, sex before marriage is damaging. Always.”
So
why do so many of us do it? No, not even
that. Why do so many of us fight for the
right to be able to do it? To abuse
ourselves and violate others?
Just
today, I was reading a New York Times article on a woman by the name of Laura
Sessions Stepp who released a book a little over a year ago entitled, “Unhooked:
How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both”. Although it got a lot of attention, it
appears that it received mixed reviews. Her book, a two-year study on nine young women ages 15-21, was written
to prove “how smart, ambitious young women do emotional damage to themselves by
getting physical — making out to having sex — with men they are not dating or
may have met for the first time.”
Salon.com
called it, “a 50s-style handbook on appropriate femininity.” Slate Magazine said it “makes sex into a
bigger, scarier and more dangerous thing than it already is.” And a reviewer for the Washington Post wrote
that it “resurrects the ugly, old notion of sex as something a female gives in
return for a male’s good behavior.” And,
what was Mrs. Stepp’s ultimate conclusion? “Real power is not giving it away,
but using it wisely,” Ms. Sessions Stepp said. “That’s when you’re liberated,
really.”
Real power is not
giving it away, but using it wisely. Brings a whole ‘nother meaning to not casting pearls before swine and
the truth making you free, doesn’t it? (Matthew 7:6, John 8:32) Perhaps this is
what the Bible means when it speaks of “worldly wisdom”. (I Corinthians 3:19) Why have we gotten to a point that, like
those women on the Rock of Love, we want to fight for the right, not just to do
whatever we want when we want, but to treat or be treated so lightly, so
frivolously…so casually?
I
mean, whether you’re a Bible believer or not, shouldn’t there be something in
you that finds the act of sharing bodily fluids and genitalia to be, at the
very least, special and at the very most, sacred? We sit in class, go to work, share church
pews with people every week that we are hesitant to even hug and yet a guy (or
gal) hollers at us in a club, in the grocery store, at a gas station and
suddenly, we become stars in our own low-budget whacked-out reality drama. Two weeks, three dates, six months later and
he (or she) becomes worthy gettin’ the goods? Really?
You
know, sometimes you can live life in a bubble and if you’re not careful,
something (usually life) can happen to burst it. So, as I came to my “More people are than
aren’t engaging in casual sex and it can’t be good” conclusion, I decided to
look up some stats to support my point of view.
According
to Divorce Peers, 74% of women polled with the average age being 31 said
they’ve had casual sex and 80% of them reported that they sometimes, if not
always, regretted doing it. A survey
conducted by the International Reporter cited that of the 40,000 people they
interviewed, 13.1 per cent of men/boys had sex with non-regular partners in the
last 12 months. The corresponding figure for women stood at 3.3 per cent, while
8.9 per cent of urban youngsters (15-24) confessed to casual sex before or after
marriage; the figure was 8.2 per cent in rural areas. A health article published last year in the
New York Times said that of the 125 men and women surveyed at Michigan State, 60% admitted to
having at least one “friend with benefits” with only one-tenth of them going on
to becoming serious relationships. And,
in a recent article published by IndyStar.com, there was a report that 40% of
American teenage girls who admitted to being sexually active had an STD. The author went on to say, “Abstinence before
marriage and faithfulness in marriage are mocked in the popular media; yet what
else could be better for our children’s health and ultimate happiness?”
Our children’s
health and ultimate happiness? What about our children’s parents and grandparents’ happiness, too? I mean, really? When are you old enough, wise enough, mature enough to “give it up” to someone
who, more times than not, has no intentions other than to take it and move on? Really now, people. How can you train a child up in the way that he
or she should go when you don’t even know how to get there yourself? Just today, I was talking to a cute,
ambitious, articulate, 20-something young man about his own “women rap sheet”
and he said, “I was taught not to care about these females. Get what you want and move on.” My reply was, “Who told you that?” It wasn’t who you think. It was actually his mother. Goodness. Where is she emotionally that she would get to a place where she would
encourage her own son to do what probably was done to her? (And what’s up with
everyone calling women “females” these days? Cats and dogs are females, too. I
need you to be more specific in defining me, please!)
It’s
sad, but it’s not like we all haven’t read or heard this information in some
shape, form or fashion before. It’s not
like once you turn off your PC, some of you won’t engage in the very act that
I’m talking about. It’s not like this is
actually even a top priority on the list of most. But, I teach a class to teenagers who are on
their first, if not second or third child. I wrote an entire book on the fact that sex, in any form, for any
reason, is a big deal. All day you can
Google stats on why you should second, third and tenth guess engaging in such
an unstable gamble of an activity if you are not in a committed relationship. Shoot, you can probably even climb a few
branches of your family tree and see where people before you got detrimentally
hung up on it. So, as I tried to think
of what I could say to make you at least pause the tape known as your sex life,
here’s what came to mind. Since “casual
sex” is seemingly all the rage, and since we all know what “sex” means, let’s
look at the definition of the word, “casual”:
CASUAL: happening by
chance; fortuitous; without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand;
passing; seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening; apathetic;
unconcerned; irregular; occasional; being without ceremony or formality;
without or seeming to be without plan or method; showing little interest or
concern; nonchalant; not close or intimate; hasty and without attention to
detail; not thorough; characterized by a feeling of irresponsibility;
nonessential; not necessary belonging; incidental.
Aside
from the fact that God is not fond of casual or illicit sexual activity (check
out the Message Version of Hebrews 13:4), even if you were bold enough to admit
that you don’t care what your creator thinks (and whenever we put our wants
ahead of his, that’s basically what we’re saying), why would you think so
little of yourself to let someone, especially
you, treat you “without serious intention”; “carelessly”; “apathetically”;
“showing little concern”; “not intimately” and “irresponsibly”? Why, being that there is only one you, which
automatically makes you amazingly exceptional, would you want someone who moves
“hastily” or “without attention to the details” that make you such a rare
individual? Why would you give any part
of your mind, body and soul to someone who is “without a plan” beyond his or
hers immediate physical satisfaction; someone who, after they get what they
want begins to view you as “nonessential”? I mean, really. What benefit (something that is advantageous
or good) is there in that?
A
little while ago, I was talking to a male friend of mine about this very issue;
someone who has a lot of hindsight wisdom due to his own sordid past “casual”
experiences. Do you know what he
said? “Guys who push away love, who are
just concerned with gettin’ it and movin’ on, who don’t want to try a serious
relationship, I really wonder what’s wrong them, man. I mean, are they gay or what? Love is what we all need and are ultimately
looking for. What are you running for?” A GUY—A GUY OVER 30 SAID THAT!
I
personally believe that sex is a gift from God that was introduced to mankind at
creation for a man and his wife. (Genesis 1:18-25) I also believe that when you don’t believe and
apply this belief to your life, it can cause many unnecessary challenges in
life. I have heard (and given) many
testimonies about what it’s like to have “Eden-less” experiences and trust me,
the weeks, months, years of pain that follow those few moments of passion (if
you are lucky to even get that much) simply don’t add up. As a matter of fact, they actually subtract
from your quality of life.
You’re
grown. You’re gonna do what you want to
do. But before you “do it” again, I just
had to put this out there. Sex is a
serious thing. It’s a beautiful
thing. It’s a miraculous thing. It’s completely understandable why you would
want to do it. But take it from me, it’s
nothing to play with. In the wise words
of educator Haddon Robinson, “Sex and its passions are like fire. Under control, fire serves us by cooking our
food and heating our homes. But if you
let fire burn out of control, it will destroy everything in its path. It is the nature of this powerful force to do
one of two things: to create or to destroy.” And in the profound words of Tim Alan Gardner, “Used well, sex will
promote intimacy. Used wrongly, sex will
cause division and lead to isolation….God’s intentions for monogamous sex were
never cruel, but rather loving and wise.”
Unplanned
(to the point of being unwanted) pregnancies. STDs. Broken hearts. Bitterness. These issues don’t even begin to put a dent into the consequences that
come with having “without definite or serious intention” sex. How can something that’s intended to bring about
oneness and create life be seen as casual? Love, intimacy, babies—all of which are consequences that should be a
welcomed consequence of sex should be esteemed as anything but casual….random…pointless…goalless…careless…detached…blasé’. And you know what? So should you.
Whoever
made up the term “casual sex” should go down in history as one of the biggest idiots
and greatest authors of the most creative (and exploitive) oxymorons of our
time.
Hmph. Talk about accepting a major
contradiction. Not just when it comes to
the phrasing of the words, but the people who choose live them out. Uh-uh. Give me “focused”, “resolute”, “intended”, “planned”, “attentive”,
“cautious”, “designed”, “thoughtful” and “purposed” sex any day.
The
way God intended it (and me) to be…and received. Now and always with nothing casual about it.
©Shellie R. Warren/2008