C: “I’m in a relationship with a guy and its pretty serious but I engage in cybersex from time to time with other people. Personally, I don’t think it’s a big deal being that I’m never going to meet those men and I’m not technically doing anything wrong. Do you think that I’m cheating?”
A: We live in a very interesting time. We have several things which can distract us on a momentary basis: FB, Twitter, Instagram…all while recording five shows simultaneously on cable. As a person who studies the habits and qualities of relationships, I see many good things from our cyberage, but I also see many distractions which lead to unhealthy relationships. Let’s unpack an example.
Contemplate this example from a young lady. “I’m in a relationship with a guy and it’s serious, but I engage in cybersex occasionally with other people. I don’t think it’s a big deal, since I’m never going to meet these men; therefore technically I’m not doing anything wrong. Do you think this is cheating?”
I want to break down the entire quote. “I’m in a relationship with a guy and it’s serious…” Point blank, period. If your relationship is serious, it supercedes the distractions around it. You can’t allow yourself to be pulled away from your focus by others. You are really saying you are committed to growing a future together, therefore anything interfering with that growth is a problem and needs to be eliminated. I would also add that if you are serious (committed), then commitment requires a pledge and dedication to this pledge.
“I engage in cybersex occasionally with other people.” There could be many factors here. It could be an addiction. There could be a need for attention she is not getting at home. It could be the allure of pleasure while having some control of discretion. The factors are essential to discover, so you can determine the root cause and correct the problem. The reality of the matter is there is no room for any other sexually intimate relationship with anyone, man or woman, offline or online, other than your spouse (not bf/gf/significant other, etc.). Being committed to your man requires your spirit to be committed, even when he’s not around…not just your words claiming you are committed when he’s in the room.
“I don’t think it’s a big deal…” It’s a huge deal. It’s a deal the size of epic proportions! Luke 12:2-3 says it this way: “There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs.” What you are doing this behind closed doors, in some way, shape, form or fashion, it will come to light. Why risk your relationship over what is an empty distraction? Is the temptation of a meaningless encounter worth risking your relationship? When considering immediate gratification, we must consider consequences. Skype, Twitter and Text messages aren’t going to hold you down when you have lost something special over a meaningless distraction.
“…I’m never going to meet these men therefore technically I’m not doing anything wrong.” Attempting to justify our indiscretions is another way of trying to clear our conscience. That’s what this part of the quote is, a justification. If you see someone drop a $100 bill, I suppose technically you can pick it up and keep it, but how does that make your spirit feel? How does it make your spirit feel when you give it back to them? Those questions speak to your character and spiritual maturity. Technically speaking, I think allowing a stranger to share in what you are saving for your future husband is basically a billboard to the world saying, “I’m not committed to anyone and I do what I want to do when I want to do it.” That’s not commitment, that’s selfishness.
“Do you think this is cheating?” That’s gray area. I’m not sure if “cheating” is a term we use until we are married. Whether or not you are cheating, you are lying to yourself. You’re not committed. You’re not serious. Prioritize your man’s involvement in your life and his feelings. If you really want to be down for him, you gotta show it when he is around, but you need to show it even more when he’s not around.