Do I miss porn? This is a question that I’ve had to ponder several days on. I am 32-years-old, pornography has been in my life for 24 years, as of today, it’s been 123 days of sobriety from porn.
I am not that far out in sobriety, so my addiction still feels rather close. Saying goodbye to pornography has felt like a divorce. Sometimes more than divorce, it feels like someone has died. I’m learning to move on without it. There are a few things I “liked” about pornography. Granted, I have had a distorted view on reality while indulging in pornography, but several times it had felt very real.
One thing I liked, was that pornography was always available. When I was hurting, needing comfort or lonely in need of a friend, pornography was the “friend” always there for me. It didn’t matter what time of the day or night, porn was always there. Sadly, pornography replaced my need for real relationships. I missed out on potential dating relationships or healthy, simple friendships with women.
In leaving porn behind, every now and then, there is an empty feeling in me. I know it’s a void that I need to fill. For me, I’m needing to fill it with God. If I don’t fill it with God, I tend to have “crossover addictions” (food, codependency on people, etc.). I have continued to run to things or people that don’t and can’t satisfy the void inside me.
Another thing that was nice was that a majority of pornography for me was free. Free was good! I was young and broke, so when I needed that “friend”, I didn’t need to go anywhere, didn’t need to purchase the cup of coffee to meet with the “friend”. It was all convenient from my home.
Aside from the emotional, relational things I miss, there is the physical affect pornography had on my body. I miss the physical “release”. Whenever I had a stressful day at work or just emotional about life, in the past, I would turn to pornography and masturbation was always part of the activity. I would always tell myself, I was just releasing “sexual tension” or “tension” from the long day. I deserved a break, a release.
Today, it’s more difficult to figure out what to do with all that energy that needs out. I’m slowly learning what to do, whether it’s exercising, playing my guitar or calling a friend to go out. It’s learning all over again. Learning how to deal with these feelings/needs.
I see pornography now as an addiction. When I was heavily into porn I never thought I was addicted. I never saw what it was doing to me. Slowly, it was killing me mentally, emotionally, spiritually and eventually physically.
I am nervous of relapsing. However, I feel I’ve come too far on this to fall or give in. It’s been similar to exercise. I am currently doing the exercise program, “Insanity”. Well, I’m also a flight attendant and a few cities we stay at the DoubleTree hotel where they give a delicious 300+ calorie cookie. I’ve been able to resist thinking to myself, “I’ve come too far to eat that.” Porn is now the same way.
On this side of recovery, even with the things I miss, I do not miss the shame and guilt that came with pornography and masturbation.
How I see pornography now, I see how much time I wasted. I feel like I’ve lost so much. I see pornography as a drug. It’s addicting and hard to break away. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to waste more of my life in isolation.
I want out and to stay out! I will embrace this journey.