I guess I can trace my addiction back to my 2012 break up, about a year ago.
I became very lonely and started masturbating frequently. It became so heartbreaking to me that I could become involved in that and nof being able to stop. When it “didn’t work” anymore, I started looking at lustful images. It progressed onto very “soft-core” stuff, but it got nastier and nastier. See, when you start looking at porn, the more you look at it, the more it stops having the same effect. So, you seek out more. Your brain constantly wants more and more.
I am a psychology major at school and I know the process of addiction and what goes on in the brain, at least I am learning about it that is. What I can’t seem to do is stop. I have been doing online lessons at SettingCaptivesFree.com and it has helped a little. I have accountability partners and have downloaded X3 watch. My old youth pastor and a good friend of mine sees every website that I go to. I am trying to get in the habit of “radical amputation”, cutting out anything in my life that could cause me to sin.
Since I started viewing any kind of porn (about 3-4 months ago), the longest I’ve been without porn has been 11 days. In those 11 days, I thought I was done. But that’s when the devil trips you up. Sometimes I feel like God won’t forgive me, that He’ll leave me, but I know that these are lies.
As if my being addicted to porn isn’t bad enough, I am also a worship leader. I feel like a hypocrite up there. My worship leader knows about my sin and is there for me, praying for me. I’m not giving up because I hate the person this has made me in the dark. Accountability and radical amputation are the best things I have come up with.
I try not to use my computer in my room and have even started getting more creative by thinking about not sleeping in my room so that I will not be tempted. I have also installed a filter called Covenant Eyes onto my computer and have given my mom the password. I do not know the password to it and I plan to keep it that way to keep me from sin. It is costing me about five dollars a month, but I know that it is worth the cost of saving me from sin. This is a journey, a spiritual battle that I must fight. And as long as I am living, I won’t give up until I am healed.
Update: I have heeded the advice of a woman from XXXChurch and (temporarily) stepped down from my leadership position. I felt that I was in no position to lead others in worship while in habitual sin. I believe that making this step is not drawing me away from God, but is giving me more time and a better mindset to focus on what He wants for me. After all, it says in James that teachers will be judged to a higher standard.