Fear lurks in unexpected and tragic events. A mistake at work or illness spark fear of being let go or forgotten. We feel alone and afraid of an unknown future. Addiction and betrayal, although devastating, can be opportunities to break free from isolation and find strength in supportive communities.
Walking with women through our Small Groups Online has been both heartbreaking and inspiring to me. They have come face to face with their greatest fear: betrayal by their intimate partner. While tending their own broken hearts, these women show up weekly to care for and encourage one other, despite their own pain. They are able to do this because they have been able to take the steps needed to face their fears. These include:
1. Naming the Fear
In his book, Through the Eyes of a Lion: Facing Impossible Pain, Finding Incredible Power, Levi Lusko, a pastor in Montana wrote about fear after the death of his young daughter:
“You can’t ignore fear, but you don’t have to let it control you. Remember this: God isn’t scared of what you’re scared of. But you don’t have to pretend like you’re not frightened. Naming your fear is part of getting through it. It’s also important to remember Immanuel means, ‘God with us.’ Jesus is with you. You are never alone. Whisper to him, ‘I know you’re here’ when you find yourself trembling and wanting to bolt.”
When I feel angry or afraid, I drive. There’s an abandoned lot out in the countryside where all that remains of a burned-down house is a brick chimney and mailbox. The desolation reflects my fearful and frustrated feelings. It is a good dumping ground for my trepidation and questions. I unearth hope in this forgotten and deserted place.
2. Finding the Root of Fear
What can you do when fear lurks? Dig deep to discover what’s scaring you. Find the root of fear by talking about it to a trusted friend. Getting distressful emotions out in the open brings clarity. Identifying what’s scaring you can be the catalyst to breaking free. Uprooting our fears is like clearing the ground for new things to grow.
3. Breaking Fear Bonds
As you move forward, consider this advice from the book, Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You, by E. James Wilder:
“Fear bonds are formed around avoiding negative feelings and pain. Love bonds are formed around desire, joy, and seeking to be with people who are important to us.”
Breaking bonds of fear and the desire to control, you must take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, words, and actions. Get to know yourself and the things you enjoy. Let go of trying to control your partner’s recovery.
4. Asking for Help
A crucial part of being part of a community is acknowledging our needs. Reciprocal friendships flourish. When our lives are flipped upside down by betrayal, it’s hard to see anything clearly, especially the truth there are people you can rely on. Reach out to those you can trust.
The late Henri J. Nouwen wrote:
“My own experience with anguish has been that facing it and living it through, is the way to healing. But I cannot do that on my own. I need someone to keep me standing in it, to assure me that there is peace beyond the anguish, life beyond death, and love beyond fear.”
5. Finding a Group
In their book, Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t, Drs. Cloud and Townsend write:
“Groups are an extremely powerful tool for spiritual and emotional growth. A dynamic occurs in a group that’s absent in one-on-one relationships. Members realize the universality of pain and suffering, and they are not as tempted to condemn themselves.”
The women in our Small Groups Online feel safe and understood. Before attending their first group, many haven’t told anyone about the betrayal because they were ashamed. Many are now living in restored marriages, and some are happy and successful singles. They all needed support to stand in the anguish.
Take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, words, and actions. Receive the support of others. Let go of fear and grow in love.