(Shellie here: There are some men in my life that I find myself having some *really interesting conversations* with re: matters of the heart. Jay is certainly one of them. Based on some of his insights on women, love, dating, relationships, sex, etc., I asked him to expound a bit in blog form. I’ll be curious to see what you think about his piece enttitled, “Be the Adult in the Room”, which is to single Christian women from a single Christian man. Oh, and if you want to contact him directly on it, you can find him at @9Tenets on Twitter or http://on.fb.me/yfZ7tG on Facebook. Oh, and I will say this and maybe explore it at another time, but if we’re having to be spiritual adults with the men that we date, does that mean we’re with *spiritual children* and if so, is that like an odd form of spiritual pedophilia: dating people who are *way too young for us*? Yeah. Like I said, we’ll explore *that* later. In the meantime, here’s Jay…)
When I was asked to write this blog, I was initially confused. I was asked to discuss “What Christian guys really think about girls they get to smash without a commitment.” I had to go back to my friend and make sure I understood my interpretation of the sentence was really what she wanted me to address because to me, the sentence is a paradox. Dictionary.com’s first definition of the word Paradox is: “a statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth.” That’s what saying the phrases in the same sentence *Christian guys* and *get to smash without a commitment* is: it’s a paradox. It’s also disheartening. First, let’s clarify who a Christian man is.
There is one more definition which is important to understand in the context of our theme. The fourth definition in Dictionary.com pertaining to the word ‘Christian’ states: Exhibiting a spirit proper to the following of Jesus Christ; Christlike.
If your man claims to be a Christian, whether explicitly or implied, he will be following Christ. This means doing what Christ told us to do and following His example. Lots of us (yep, I said us, because I have been one) go to Church every Sunday, sing every song in the hymn book and memorize scriptures, but Sunday afternoon through Saturday night we’re not following what Christ would have us to do. Many men attend church, but not all of them follow Christ. They are not necessarily one in the same. Which one is your man?
Ladies, you often have to be the “adult in the room” and learn to think for yourselves while making mature choices. Don’t be afraid to allow your good judgment (discernment) to override your man’s carnal instincts. If you see your man as a Christian and he’s trying to get you to do something you know in your soul is the not the right thing, ask him why he would have you do something Christ wouldn’t have him do. Ask that question aloud. Repeat if necessary. If your man is a follower of Christ, that question will resonate with him. Don’t sacrifice your body to his weakness.
If you want a Christian man to one day be your Christian husband, remember this if nothing else: Christian men want strong women. It’s true that in a moment of weakness, they might smash, but when it’s time to ‘put a ring on it,’ you’re not the one they want. They want the strong woman that professed Christ into their lives from the beginning. They want the woman that was down for them by loving them, not by acquiescing to their carnal desire. You want to be the woman that eventually gets the ring, not the one that gets to watch her man leave at 2:00 am because he’s feeling guilty about what he just did and their relationship doesn’t go any farther.
You will most often find that a man who wants to follow Christ wants a woman who does as well. I want my woman (wife) to be my spiritual support who desires to follow our Lord—and make sure that I’m following Him as well. When a Christian man sees that you aren’t following Him, you may appease that man’s carnal nature for a time, but you may lose his heart for eternity. He needs a strong woman to say “no”. He’s not perfect and you aren’t either, but you can only be responsible for you. You know his premarital sexual advances go against your values, so don’t do it! Tell him to kick rocks, get it together…whatever you need to say to get your point across that it’s not going down until you get a ring and an “I do.”
When a man wants to live under God’s Word, but he’s weak and you’re game, often when he becomes closer to the Spirit, he will push you away as he feels you are a part of the problem and not the solution. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” From your man’s perspective, you will be an ‘old thing’ that needs to be upgraded. What he will think of you is you are something that happened along the way. Some of the people I grew up around might say you can’t turn a ho into a housewife. Your man might feel the same way, without going there.
Real talk: We all fall short of the glory of God. This means whether I’m a follower or not, I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to sin in thought, word and deed. You can count on it. As a man, I’m guaranteeing that it’s going to happen with your man, ladies…so it shouldn’t be a surprise. Be prepared for it. He may have a shortcoming, indiscretion, transgression, whatever–but you don’t have to be an accomplice to his foolishness, sexually or otherwise. Choose to be the adult in the room.