(Shellie here): After some of the comments that were received re: the last post (it was updated earlier today), I think the timing of this particular blog submission is *right on time*. Proverbs 4:7 tells us that while wisdom is the principal thing, we should also seek to get an understanding. This month’s issue deals with some of the deeper sides of the porn addiction (fetishes, S&M, etc.) and so I hope you will consider that being the motive/purpose of some of the issues explored: getting a *better understanding* of why the struggles, for some, are the way that they are. And so, in this case, Allison is exploring the kind of porn that draws her in. To see if she can *understand* if there is any kind of connection with her addiction and perhaps a deeper-rooted issue that has been overlooked. Therefore, I ask that your comments be *senstive* to the fact that she is seeking some insight/counsel into why she does what she does rather than flippant judgment behind it.

That said, I too will definitely try my best to be (more) sensitive to individual triggers some readers may have as we proceed throughout the rest of the month:

This all started in junior high. My parents were divorced and my mom’s parents were dying. Both of my sisters were away in college. This meant that I spent ridiculous amounts of time home alone. I would sit around, watch T.V., sometimes play with the few friends I had, and play computer games.I don’t know the exact steps that lead to my problem, but one thing lead to another and I started watching porn. I have struggled ever since then, now being in college.

Throughout different times in life, I’ve had different things I was drawn to in porn. I don’t necessarily know why that is the case. So, I will be going on an inductive journey. The two big attractions I can remember are homosexual and hardcore. I think that the desire to watch hardcore was throughout the entire time with this problem, or just about. However, the homosexual aspect has changed over the years. I started primarily with lesbian. I think that this was partially due to availability. It was simply easier for me to find than anything else. The other reason I think had to do with how I related to it. At such a young age I simply hadn’t yet gained an attraction to men. I did not ever want to be lesbian, but watching a woman have sex meant that I could related to how she might feel. Then I began to transition to male homosexuals. I think this happened because as I got older and was attracted to men. I was not interested in watching women have sex, because while I could relate, I was not sexually attracted to the female form. Men were just better to look at. Heterosexual porn was interspersed throughout the entire thing, but generally not the focus unless is was hardcore. As far as the hardcore porn goes, I cannot think of any answer as to why that would be more attractive than anything else. Perhaps it is just because of the fact that it left a stronger impression. It probably just seemed to have more feeling.

During and after watching porn, it is hard to tell how I felt. I think that was the point. I have never been good at dealing with emotions. When I watched porn, I left the real emotions, I felt of rejection or whatever alone. I just felt lust and passion. I think that’s all I would call it. It made me feel good while it was happening. But it was so fleeting and so numbing that I can barely remember how it felt. Afterwards, I would usually go to the bathroom, wash my hands, and then go to bed. I just felt empty and tired. All I wanted to do was sleep. I did not have the strength for much else after.

Since I have started college and have roommates and very close friends, it is much easier to abstain from watching porn. My main struggle now is with the images it left. It is easy to mess around with images just in my mind, and extremely hard to fight. I am sorry to leave you on a note of struggle, not one of rejoice, but without struggles and sorrows there is no hope and I’m certain that hope for a clean mind through Christ is the only thing that keeps me fighting.

May Christ have mercy,
Allison