Shellie here: This is a “true confession” from a friend of mine that I knew dabbles in sex toys and wanted her to share why. She’s married. Comfortably so. Yet, when it comes to sexual pleasure, the journey has been…just that. I am sharing this because one thing that I have appreciated about this month is that we have heard some people explain *how* the addiction/fetish/preference began. It can be *so hard* and sometimes, even counterproductive, to try and deal with a porn/sexual struggle without getting to the root; without recalling the beginning.
As you read this, some will agree, some will not, about her final resolve (for now, anyway) to keep toys in the marriage bed. Yet, there is something, in particular, that she said that I hope will at least cause you to think a bit harder about why you do what you do…and if it really is the best thing for you and your marriage (hence the title of this blog). Amazing how different things appear when you peel away the layers, isn’t it? Anyway, here’s her offering:
I was having dinner with a couple of married friends the other night and, as usual with this group, the topic of sex came up. We speak freely because we’ve established a strict rule about confidentiality and a “no repeat rule”; not even to our husbands. So, picture this: two near 50-year-olds and a 30-something-year-old hovered tightly over a small table in a dimly lit restaurant. We whispered our updates and offered up our questions. The 30-year-old has become some kind of “sex coach” to our threesome. The primary topic of this night was the discussion of sex toys.
I think back to my first introduction to sex toys many years ago. A friend of mine turned me on to her “little friend” that she referred to as the egg. I never saw it, but she left little to the imagination when she described the egg shaped vibrator. That same day, I went home, searched for, found and ordered the egg from a website dripping with pink frilly things targeting its primary customer – women. The website was tastefully done and I didn’t feel weird about it at all to my surprise. Well, the egg eventually became my best friend too. It helped me to experience my first orgasm – ever! I became a fan of sex toys.
Something happened, though, when I started dating seriously the man who would become my husband. He was not interested in my “little friend”. In fact, he was like, “I’m the only thing we’re gonna have up in here!” so I regulated my relationship with my “little friend” to our solo efforts on evenings when my man was out. I felt sneaky about it for sure but that didn’t bother me at that time. My biggest fantasy was that I’d eventually convince him to allow my “little friend” to make an appearance and join in on our fun.
Years went by. I also spent those years faking orgasms. One night, my sweetie and I talked about our deteriorating sex life and I finally confessed that I had never had an orgasm with him or anyone else – well, except one, but that is a different blog post. My sweetie has yet to really believe me but he did finally agree to let my “little friend” make an appearance. I should have been glad about this, but I just couldn’t get into it with him. I think the years of sneaking around with my “little friend” resembled an affair of sort and having this man there seemed more like a threesome than it did a twosome with a little extra help.
Turning back to my sex toy conversation with the girls, I remembered how much I enjoyed the pleasure from my “little friend”. I told them all about the experience I had and that my hubby now encourages me to bring my “little friend” out, but I am somewhat embarrassed by my reaction when it is between us. I experience great pleasure with my “little friend” while being with my husband, but I can’t let go because I’m afraid he’s going to think that it is ONLY because of the third party.
My friends asked about the last time I tried it and, it had been so long, I didn’t remember. I burnt out the last one and get this: my husband replaced it with a new one. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it wasn’t the right kind, so it never makes an appearance. The 30-something-year-old told me about all the vibrators on the market and some things on the market that enhance everything. WOW! I discovered that I was more than a little out of touch and sounding a bit like a prude. My how things have changed.
I can’t believe all the stuff on the market now. All I wanted was a small vibrator shaped like a little egg. When I think of sex toys nowadays, I wonder how I’m supposed to be turned on by blue or hot pink crystals dildos, iron bootie balls, or scary two-prong things. I am amazed by how many ways people can “help themselves now”. Sometimes it makes me wonder how much it’s really helping when it comes to making a true connection.
For now, I think the key is to keep the friskiness between me and my hubby while allowing my “little friend” to simply enhance our experience. I’m not sure if I will ever give it up, but I did feel convicted enough to remove the solo act – masturbation – and my body is more eager to respond to my husband now. Sex—with or without toys—is a journey. Pleasure is a process.
Shellie here: “Pleasure is a process.” Indeed. Kinda like how it says in Genesis 2:24-25 that the two will *become* one; not that they are. Oneness, sexually or otherwise, is a process.
That said, I checked out a book on Amazon that comes out January 2012 entitled, “Sexperiment: 7 Days to Lasting Intimacy with Your Spouse” by Ed and Lisa Young. Don’t you just love that “Search Inside!” feature? Anyway, I thought this excerpt was a good complement to this offering:
“Here is how things get messed up. The husband, the sprinter, approaches his wife the way he wants to be approached. He is aggressive in taking initiative and sprints into sex. In turn, the wife approaches her husband the way she wants to be approached, with romance, with intimacy, with gentleness. She jogs into sex.
Wives and husbands who do not have it together in the sex department dial into each other’s sex drive. Let me put it this way: For the most part, men desire sex more than their wives do. You could have just been in a major argument five minutes earlier. As a man, you are still likely to pat your wife on the posterior and say, ‘Hey, hey, hey. How about you and me head to the bedroom?’
Wives, on the other hand, are multifaceted and multidimensional. The context surrounding the sexual part is huge for them. Women have to know that everything is OK outside the bedroom before everything gets OK between the sheets.
So what do we do about it? Husbands, quit being a sprinter all of the time and jog a little bit with your wife. Wives, don’t always run so slowly. Try incorporating some sprints into that 5K run.
When the husband is thinking about her needs and the wife is thinking about his needs, you’ll have two people understanding the pace of passion. If you want to get your partner in the mood, approach him or her the way he or she wants to be approached.”—“Boom Chicka Wah-Wah”, pg.185