I’m sorry this is long.

I can’t believe I’m doing this. I have
never ever confessed my addiction to anyone, I’ve kept it as my own
dark secret for years and years. But it has risen to the point that
it’s scary, and I’m just so tired of this weight on my shoulders,
this constant thought in the back of my head. I’m just so tired of it
all and I want to be free.

I grew up in a strong Christian
family. My dad was the leader of a great Christian ministry for
children before finally having to give up his position because it was
too hard on him and his disease. But I have great supportive parents
and two amazing big brothers who I love very much. My dad had always
believed that I was a perfect child. His perfect little princess. I
never cursed, I never talked back or argued with my parents during my
teen years, and as far as he knew, I didn’t rebel during my teen
years either, but it kills me to know that his princess isn’t so
innocent. Isn’t so pure.

Since I can remember, I have
fantasized about sexual things, even as a little girl. And as I got
older and older, these fantasies became more and more vivid and
frequent. And I was masturbating before the age of 8. I’d would like
say that my parents never talked to me about sex, that my school
never mentioned it, nor did my church. I would love to say that, to
put some of the blame on them … but I can’t, I’d be lying then. But
for whatever reason, I ignored them, and as I entered high school, it
only got worse. I began to read sexual stories, and I would go onto
chat rooms and have cyber sex. In fact, I had joined a website
devoted completely to that. Then one day, when I was on there,
someone had posted a sexual picture, porn … animated porn, or
otherwise known as Hentai. I followed the link the picture was from,
and found an entire website of Hentai. And this is where my addiction
escalated, big time. I became obsessed with it and eventually, I
turned to real porn. I added guys onto my Msn to have more intimate
chats. I hit the very bottom just last year when I started to strip
on cam for them as well. This is the point where I realized, well …
really realized that what I was doing was very, very wrong. And I
tried to stop. And it would work, for months, but then it would all
come back and haunt me again, and I would give into my pleasures
again. I’ve never allowed myself to go on cam again, but I can’t stop
going onto that website, and looking up porn. I am 18-years-old, a
woman just about to start her life, about to go off to Bible college
… and I’m addicted to porn.

I have prayed, over and over,
begging God to make it stop. To help me kick this addiction. I would
try so hard to stop, and months would go by where I don’t even think
of sex, but then I would see one thing that would trigger it and I
would fall, yet again, and always harder then the last. It’s a loop
that I can’t seem to stop. And sometimes, it feels like God just
doesn’t care anymore, as if he had given up on me, cause it seems
that every time I need him the most, he’s not there. That he leaves
me in the claws of this monster that I can’t defeat by myself.

can’t continue like this, because this addiction has eaten up all my
self respect and has left me feeling like a worthless piece of crap.
I don’t have any self value anymore. I just had another crash just
yesterday, and it was one of the worse. This is my last cry for help,
cause it feels like I don’t have any strength left to fight this. I
can’t do this alone.

This addiction is killing me,


A: If it’s alright with you, I am
just going to use the letter “T” to address you, OK? The Word of
God tells us that love covers all sins (Proverbs 10:12) and being
that you have shared quite a few transgressions on here, and it still
appears to be a secret from your family…I just want to be careful
with your heart.

first of all. You are loved. God loves all of his children. As
someone who also grew up in a Christian environment (Christian
education, church every week, mom managing a Christian group), I
understand what it is like to feel the pressure to suppress a “closet
lifestyle”. Shoot, I aborted most of my children (4 total) because
of it. I don’t know why the Church doesn’t address it as much as it
should, but I want to reiterate something to you that I believe, deep
down, you already know: Being a Christian doesn’t change our
problems. It just points us to a better solution than what
non-believers have.

lot of people in the very Bible we read struggled with sexual issues.
Samson, David and Solomon (male wise) immediately come to mind.
Rahab, Tamar, Bathsheba, Lot’s Daughters, Gomer…girl, it could go
on and on when it comes to the women’s side of things. Sex is a
beautiful and powerful gift FROM GOD. The Enemy knows this. He
knows the impact of what sexual unity can do in the lives of two
married people. That’s why there are so many counterfeits out here.

right. Your email is a bit lengthy, but due to the COURAGE that it
took for you to write it, I am going to respond to you as thoroughly
as possible. Let me say before I get into it that this is a NEW DAY
for you. You feel like you are at your wit’s end and girlfriend,
that is a wonderful place to be because it’s IN OUR WEAKNESS that HIS
STRENGTH is made perfect (2 Corinthians 12:8-10).

  1. Confession.
    The fact that you are confessing this, in a safe and spiritual
    environment, is a great start. James 5:16 tells us that it’s in
    confession that we find healing; that the prayers of the righteous
    have a lot of power. One of the reasons why the Enemy wants us
    caught up in the cycle of our sin—something that we all commit,
    remember that—is to keep us in the cycle of shame. When Adam and
    Eve sinned, what did they first do? They ran, right? (Genesis 3:8-9)
    That is the biggest detriment of sin: it makes us want to run from
    God. T, God has not turned his back on you. GOD MADE YOU and he
    already knew that you were going to be in this bondage. He still saw
    fit for you to be here, anyway. THAT IS SOMETHING TO ALWAYS KEEP IN
    MIND. Right now, just like with Adam and Eve, I believe you are in
    a “Where are you?” situation with God. T, God is asking, “Where
    are you?” in this situation; not because he doesn’t know but
    because he wants you to look at it from a different place. Not of
    shame, so much as revelation. This addiction isn’t helping
    you…it’s killing you…worse, actually. It’s tormenting you. A
    man by the name of Elbert Hubbard once said, “We are not punished
    for our sins, but by them.” On many levels, I think no greater
    words have been spoken. God’s laws are not put into place so that
    he can hurt us when we break them. They are in place to protect us
    from being harmed. God has, and never will, turn his back on you.
    Don’t let the Enemy torment you any longer with that lie (John 8:44). The Bible
    says that if confess our sins, he is FAITHFUL and JUST to forgive us
    and CLEANSE us of ALL unrighteousness (I John 1:9). There is no
    “unless you’re addicted to porn” clause in there. You just,
    boldly I might add, confessed. ACCEPT HIS FORGIVENESS.

  2. Perfection.
    OK, I don’t want to presume how your family operates, but if your
    dad thinks you are perfect, your dad has bigger problems than you
    do. NO ONE IS PERFECT. I John 1:10 (NKJV) says, “
    we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is
    not in us.”
    if what you meant to say is that he doesn’t think you battle with
    sexual issues, I get that…but even if that’s the case, he’s
    still really delusional. Aside from many other things, we are sexual
    beings and because sex is something that God gave us to bless us, on
    some level, it’s something that we ALL battle with, one way or
    another, when it comes to honoring it in the way that God intended
    for us to. You know, when it finally “came out” to my family
    that I had so many abortions, my mother was like, “Where did you
    that from?” My mother is a very pro-life kind of person. It wasn’t
    until I started digging into my family skeletons a bit deeper that I realized I had a
    grandparent with FOUR ABORTIONS (I know, right?) in their history.
    Generational curses are pretty deep. I am willing to bet my next
    check that your struggle didn’t come outta no where. Just because
    it’s not discussed doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened. I know you may
    not be ready to talk to your parents, especially if they have you on
    the unrealistic pedestal, but I will “touch and agree” (Matthew
    18:18-20) with you that you will find the courage to discuss it with
    them. For one, you need to know the source of this stronghold…it came from
    somewhere and two, there is nothing like TRUE INTIMACY in
    relationships; to have someone
    know you
    and love you anyway. A good parent, more than anything, doesn’t
    want to see their children hurting. The cause of the pain, even when
    it is their child’s own sin, pales in comparison to simply wanting their
    suffering to end.

  3. Lust.
    I Timothy 6:9 speaks of lust drowning men into destruction and
    perdition. This is not to scare you, but this is to make you aware.
    This will not end, if you stay in it. If you go back and read your
    own email, you will see that lust was not “happy” with you only
    masturbating…only reading erotica…only engaging in “Hentai”
    (new term on me)…only having cyber sex…or only stripping ONE
    TIME. Lust is never content. It’s impatient…it’s pushy…it’s
    insatiable. T, the flesh would have never led you to write us. This
    is proof that God is still living within you. THE LOVE OF GOD is
    still present. I believe that the Holy Spirit had you reach out
    because this was/is about to get
    because you are in the cycle, you can’t handle it on your own
    anymore. Actually, you never could, but because, again, love covers,
    God wanted to make sure you reached out before you went from guilt
    to utter humiliation. God doesn’t want you to feel anymore “naked”
    than you already do. In sin, enough is never enough, until you have
    paid up. And we know that the wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23).
    Christ came that we might have life (John 10:10). T, you deserve to
    have life…an abundant one, even when it comes to your sexuality. I
    have been reading this book, “Boundaries in Marriage” (Henry
    Cloud/John Townsend) and one of the things that it says is that in
    the Garden of Eden, there was total freedom. John 8:36 says that if
    Christ makes you free, you are FREE INDEED. This is what TRUE
    CHRISTIANITY should bring about-a sense of freedom. Lust isn’t
    giving you that. It’s being packaged as “freedom”, but look at
    where it is leaving you…bound to guilt, fear and despair. Oh T,
    God wants so much more for you than that. He wants you to engage in
    sex in a way where you feel loved and safe. Only a marital covenant
    can do that (Hebrews 13:4). I don’t sense that I am telling you
    anything that you don’t already know, but I do sense that you need
    to be reminded. Not so much that what you are doing is holistically
    unhealthy, but that it’s keeping you from the other side of sex.
    Everyone in my world knows that I adore the book, “Sacred Sex”
    (Tim Alan Gardner) and just recently, “Sex God” (Rob Bell) has been added to my “health sex mental notes”. As a
    35-year-old woman who LOVED (loved…loved) having sex and whose
    hormones love to remind me of that fact as often as possible,
    materials like these have spared me more self-inflicted torture.
    Sometimes—no, many times, to get free from the ties that bind we
    have to be reminded of God’s original intention for things. Matthew
    7:6 says that casting our pearls before swine and giving what’s holy
    to the dogs does nothing but tear us to pieces. Sexual immorality
    would definitely qualify.

  4. Begging
    You don’t need to beg God. The Bible says that his mercies are new
    EVERY MORNING (Lamentations 3:22-24). We serve a God who is
    faithful. 2 Thessalonians 3:3 tells us that God is faithful and he
    will establish us and guard us form the evil one. 2 Timothy 2:13
    assures us that even when we are faithless, he remains faithful. I
    Corinthians 10:13 promises that God does not allow us to be tempted
    beyond what we can bear. You don’t have to beg God for help. I
    personally believe those who do, do it because they don’t understand
    his nature. He doesn’t need to be convinced or coerced into helping
    He’s here
    to help you.
    you have to do is ask, but T, what you also have to do is be
    prepared for his answer. Which brings me to my final point.

  5. The
    road to recovery.
    As someone who has gone 2 ½ years without sex and not quite that
    long without checking out porn (cause I used to watch the
    documentaries to justify my fetish), some really drastic measures
    had to be taken to get fully free. Friends had to change,
    accountability had to be put in place, television access had to
    shift. Bottom line? One of the biggest mistakes I think people make
    is to try and battle an addiction from within without expecting to
    have to RADICALLY CHANGE their external situation. For starters,
    you and the web cam need to break up and you need to get a porn
    filter on your computer and CONFESS to someone why you are doing
    that. You need to get with a “trusted source” who can pray
    for/with you about this—daily. I recommend purchasing a “purge journal”
    and for every sexual issue you have, find a scripture that speaks
    against it. Write out your emotions. It’s interesting what you see
    when you look at it on paper (get a lock if necessary…you’re not
    too old for a diary). Spend some time really thinking about
    WHY/WHEN/WHERE you masturbate. I battled with that for years, and
    there are times when it’s still a temptation. The Enemy uses what’s
    worked before until it doesn’t work anymore. Mine was usually when
    I was really stressed out, at night, in bed. So, now when I get
    stressed, I go out and when I am really tempted, I try and occupy
    myself until I am too tired to masturbate; until I go right to bed
    and GO TO SLEEP. One of the most important things to keep in mind
    in the beginning stages is not to isolate yourself. You can’t fight
    this alone…especially when you are already so wounded and vulnerable. YOU

I am so proud of you for taking this first step. It’s a big one and
while I know you feel embarrassed, girl, this is a website that has
heard and seen, and for many of us gone through, MUCH WORSE. Sin?
It’s all relative. Whether it’s cheating on your taxes (Matthew
22:21) or selling yourself on the street (Proverbs 23:27), the Bible
speaks against both being an issue…no, a problem, more than
anything, because it takes away from our quality of life.


are praying your victory to that place,