So…
Last night, I was watching a throwback episode of “Girlfriends”. It (no pun intended) touched on one of the character’s teenage sons getting caught checking out porn. I laughed at something one of his “love aunts” (what I call people who are like family but not a blood relation) said in response to the kind of sexual performance future he had ahead of him: “That kind of instructing gives nothing more than a headache and a big ole mess to clean up.” Literally. And figuratively.
That led me to think about my past sex life. How I could oftentimes tell the guys who learned about sex from porn because they weren’t having sex *with* me so much as *at* me—as if surely since the woman on the porn videos or Internet screen seemed to be loving “it” that way, it *must* be good. Truth can indeed be worse than fiction and yes, “Toni” (the “love aunt” on the show) was right: that kind of instructing tends to be a headache. And a let down. I wonder if guys remember that those gals in the videos are *paid* to look like they are enjoying themselves. If it was free (and they were sober—just sayin’), I’m not sure if the experience would (always) be so…grand. Can sex for money rather than an expression of love ever be? *Truly*?
I think that’s why when I read an article on Jezebel.com entitled, “Can You Tell the Difference Between a Men’s Magazine and a Rapist“, my attention was held for longer than a thirty-second run through. Here’s an excerpt. It really is pretty…eye-opening. And disturbing. On a lot of levels:
“The University of Surrey reports on the study (conducted jointly with researchers at Middlesex University), to be published in the British Journal of Psychology. Researchers gave a group of men and women quotes from the British lad mags FHM, Loaded, Nuts and Zoo, as well as excerpts from interviews with actual convicted rapists originally published in the book The Rapist Files. The participants couldn’t reliably identify which statements came from magazines and which from rapists — what’s more, they rated the magazine quotes as slightly more derogatory than the statements made by men serving time for raping women. The researchers also showed both sets of quotes to a separate group of men — the men were more likely to identify with the rapists’ statements than the lad mag excerpts. The only slightly bright spot in the study: when researchers randomly (and sometimes incorrectly) labelled the quotes as coming from either rapists or magazines, the men were more likely to identify with the ones allegedly drawn from mags. At least they didn’t want to agree with rapists.”
I don’t know about you, but one of the…ickiest parts of the enclosed excerot (to me, anyway) was that the magazine quotes proved to be *more derogatory* than the ones made by the men actually convicted of rape. *Do you know how many people read those things?!?* And speaking of quotes, I have used one of my favorite sex ones on this site a myriad of times. It’s by the author Eric Jerome Dickey: “Sex without love is violence.” One definition of “violence” is “rough or injurious physical force, action, or treatment”. Although a lot of rapists admit they watch porn, I’m sure it goes without saying that a lot of men who watch porn *are not rapists*. *However*, I wonder how many of them have *made the time* to ask their sexual partners if they feel like they are, sexually, experiencing *rough treatment* by them. And I wonder if those porn consumers have ever wondered how much porn has influenced that possible resolve.
You know, on this site, we explore lots of reasons and ways that the abuse of sex can affect (infect) a person. Yet, as I think about a date rape experience that I had with an ex who 1) had a first time sexual experience consisting of being locked in a room (by his brother) with a woman (much older than him) until he “consummated” and 2) was a *frequent* porn watcher, I can’t help but wonder if we’ve explored one aspect (and consequence) of porn addiction (or shoot even “casual participation”) nearly as much as we should. That “Even if you think you enjoy porn alone, when it comes to the sex that you engage in with your partner, how much of the porn do you bring into the experience? And how good (fun, fulfilling, satisfying) can that really be?”
Honestly, that’s not a question that you can answer on your own and so, if you’re in a sexual relationship, I encourage you to ask your partner for their insights and then share with us the response you get (not just the guys, but the girls who watch porn as well). Did any of you read the blog, “Marriage Is Not the Cure for a Sex Addiction” from a couple of weeks back? Yeah. Let that clue you in. Just a bit.
Really. When it all shakes out, when you think of the kind of relational climate that God had in mind for people engaging in sex (marriage), how good can porn or fetish sex *really be*?