By now, I’m sure that you know I am a pretty “tell it like it is at least from the way that I see it” kinda woman, but today, I’m gonna go probably deeper than I ever have, at least as it relates to my present-day private life.
Now, bear with me as I share some background history, OK?
In 1997, I wrote my first “official” (official in the sense that I was an adult and performed it in public) poem. It was entitled, “I’m Single and That’s All Right With Me” (some of you may have seen it in your inbox as “Single and Saved”, but it’s the incorrect version, so if you want the real one, hit me up).
Anyway, in the poem there is a line that says, “Esther 2:14 states that I am to wait on my king and when he’s delighted in me, he will call me by my name. My Mama didn’t name me ‘Needy’ or ‘Desperate'”.
And she didn’t. But for years, I forgot that fact.
Well, the irony to it all is that since 30, God has given me a promise scripture for my birthday. One day, I will break down this past year and how God’s Word really can be trusted because it really is true, but for now, I just want to share a portion of this tale as I continue to pursue my quest for sexual wholeness and internal peace.
OK, back to Esther 2:14. So, last year, God gave me Isaiah 54—a whole chapter. This year, when I asked him what my promise scripture would be, it was just a sentence:
“And she went to the king no more less he delighted in her and called her by name.”
Yep, you guessed it. It was Esther 2:14 making it’s way back into the forefront of my mind. How ironic, rather how GOD, that for the first time since giving my virginity away (I didn’t lose it. I know who has it) that I would finally be at a place in my life where I can actually mean what I said in a poem that I wrote almost ten years ago! So, if you’re a poet, let me stop right here: Amos 3:7 says that God will do nothing without revealing his secrets to his prophets and many people consider poets to be prophets. With that said, whether you have a platform, a book, a coffee house audience to perform in front of or not, if something is in you to write, WRITE IT! You’d be surprised how powerful your words are and what can manifest into your life because of them.
Moving on…
When I asked God why he was giving me that verse he said, “Because Shellie, this year you won’t have to go after anything. It will come to you.”
Like I said, one day, I will share all that has happened just one month into my 33rd year since receiving this word, but for now, let me just say that I needed it—really needed it on yesterday.
Ladies, there’s something miraculous that happens when you realize your value. Suddenly, you want other people to pick up on it as well and here’s the clincher: WHEN YOU DO, THEY DO! Matthew 7:6 says that we are not to cast our pearls before swine and Matthew 13:45 tells the story of a merchant who saw so much value in a pearl—one pearl, that he sold all that he had to get it. This is not a fairytale; this is what all of God’s daughters deserve.
Now, I was born in June and interestingly enough, my birthstone is a pearl. One definition of this gem is “something precious or choice”, but if you’ve ever read the story of how pearls are made (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pearl), you know that it’s not an easy process to become one. Lots of “irritants” happen along the way to make it the jewel that it is. Oh, but when the process is over—true beauty emerges.
There has been sexual abuse, sexual misuse, other people’s boyfriends (and even one fiance’), four abortions, deep-rooted depression, porn addiction, broken hearts, manipulation—all kinds of irritants to make me who I am today, but what stands before you is an emerging pearl; one of great value.
ONE THAT ONE MAN NEEDS TO MAkE A HUGE SACRIFICE FOR TO GET.
This revelation was tested all day yesterday. One guy was a man from my sexual history past and another was from who, at times, wants to be in my present; both of them fine, both of them temptations.Â
There’s another text in the Bible that I love: “Do you see a man wise in his own eyes and conceit? There is more hope for a [self-confident] fool than for him.”—Proverbs 26:12 (AMP)
Please know that with all the writing, blogging, and public speaking on sexual wholeness that I do, I still have to remain just as humble as the next man. I still have moments when I have to cling to the promise of I Corinthians 10:13 (look it up) like an alcoholic has to cling to their twelve steps. In other words, just because I’m not having sex, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t fully enjoy the physical aspects of it when I was active or that I don’t have moments when I feel like if I don’t get it, I’m really gonna hurt somebody!
But, it’s moments like yesterday, that show me that I am getting stronger with every passing day…and today is all God told me to concern myself with (Matthew 6:34). Just last Friday, my mother sent me something via email to confirm this fact:
“What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself.”
Isn’t that powerful? It ain’t the end result that God is concerned with so much as the process that we go through to get there.
Well, yesterday afternoon, I went to have dinner with an ex’s family. To my surprise, he was there at their house (we ended on good terms and he’s usually anywhere but there). It’s been quite some time since anything sexual has happened, but when we see each other, there is still an energy there. At one point, as I was getting ready to leave, he kissed my forehead and tried moving his hands down my back. Immediately, my mind went back to the times when that was considered a G-rated greeting for us because it definitely would not have stopped there. I must admit his tall frame and beautiful eyes have always made a sistah a little weak in the knees, but I once heard a man say, “Never put a wishbone where your backbone ought to be”. Suddenly, all of the growth and self-esteem that I have been exercising my carnal nature with gave me enough “mind muscle” to high tail it on outta there! I was screaming on the inside, but I was safe on the outside as my conscience said to me, “Good girl. Besides, what would you have gotten out of messing with him anyway? Nothing but being messed with (mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically).”
But ladies, please believe that if there’s one thing that the Enemy is, it’s relentless. You can’t afford to let down your guard, even for a moment.
Just as I was about to breathe a huge sigh of relief, last night, I ran into a guy that I must admit I find to be pretty attractive (and the feeling is mutual). He is actually someone who prays for me on a regular basis for protection and covering from sexual temptation (which is probably a part of the attraction—a F-I-N-E man who wants to live right). But last night, for whatever reason, we both were drawn to one another in a way that we were not accustomed (Sometimes you can find yourself weak at the same times, which is why you need godly men in your life. A lesser man won’t care if you fall). Again, it took everything in me to walk away instead of doing what used to be my usual: Hanging around “the tree” until I felt that I had no choice but to partake of the fruit.
Again, I drove home, sexually frustated—but spiritually elated. As God recapped the evening for me, he took me to one thing in particular that I said to “Door Number 2”: “Actually, I am proud to be a woman who can say that I have never been with you.”
Vernon Sanders Law once said, “Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards.”
Edward A. Murphy has been quoting as saying, “A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.”
Although it took some time to get to sleep as I tried to calm my libido down, do you know when I woke up this morning there was something that I realized that made me smile? For the longest time, I would compromise myself physically for fear that if I didn’t, a man wouldn’t remember me. Now I see that when I do “just say no”, that’s what actually makes me more desirable, that’s what makes me unforgettable. Why? Because when a woman knows that what she has is something special, something that is worthy of more than a phone call, a date, or some cheap pillow talk, a man—a worthy man, can’t help but sit up, take notice and then place himself in the position to pay the price…no matter how high.
I’m sure some of you more critical people may wonder, “How can this girl claim to be saved and then admit that she’s sexually attracted to two men in one night?” Whatever. I’m SAVED, I’m not DEAD. I try and walk by spiritual vision now, but I still have my physical eyesight. I serve God, but I still love what he made in his image.
What I hope you did get is that, even in spite of myself, I am walking out the promise that God gave to us all:
“Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.”—Galatians 5:16 (NKJV)
So, just what is the Spirit? Well, as the Bible says, a thing is known by its fruit:
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.”—Galatians 5:22-23 (NKJV)
But get this. The revelation I got this morning was that although I was really tempted to “go there”, because I am learning to love myself and since the Bible says we must do that before we can love anyone else (Matthew 22:39), I didn’t retreat to my old habits mostly because I am finally getting how to have JOY WITH MYSELF, PEACE WITH MYSELF, LONGSUFFERING WITH MYSELF, KINDNESS WiTH MYSELF, GOODNESS WITH MYSELF, FAITHFULNESS WITH MYSELF, GENTLENESS WITH MYSELF and SELF-CONTROL WITH MYSELF.
It’s hard to be in a successful relationship with anyone unless those factors are in place and ladies, it’s in our single state that this proves itself to be true. There’s really no way that we can love a king the way he deserves to be loved until we loves ourselves in that way.
But it’s when we do, it’s when they meet a woman who finds more value in what her Father says than what a man does, that in the eyes of all, she truly becomes unforgettable.
I’m willing to bet that both of those men thought about last night at least a fraction of as much as I did. Why? Because last night was different, last night was exceptional, last night…I said no to the temporary in exchange for the permanent.
And who can forget a lady like that?