To be frank, there’s no “kinda” about it. I DON’T LIKE BEING ABSTINENT! At this point in my life, I think it’s dumb. Yep, I said it dumb!!! Ridicule me. Throw salt on me. Slander my name; I really don’t care because this is my current stance on it. Had I been asked this question perhaps 10 years ago, I would’ve told you that it was the right thing to do. The God-fearing thing to do…or at least that’s what I was told. Growing up, I believed in this fairy tale way of life that now, when I look back, was just naïve-ness to the umpteenth degree. I really believed up until the latter part of last year that if I remained abstinent and did all the things I was supposed to do according to the things I learned in church, bible study, Sunday school, purity classes, etc. then I would be rewarded handsomely.
Wrong!
The reward that was constantly brought my way was anger, frustration and disappointment. I felt as though I was doing everything I was supposed to do according to what everyone told me to do yet nothing panned out in the end. By the latter part of last year, I was more irritated and frustrated with my sex life or lack thereof than anything. I felt as though I was being antagonized by everyone else and their relationship…productive or not. In my mind, the ones that wasn’t following the same plans or guidelines that I was had been more successful than me. Here I am trying to tell them to abstain when deep down on the inside I wanted to be in their shoes. I wanted for once to be able to do something because I wanted to do it and not because everyone wanted me to, thought it was a good idea or strongly suggested I did. I unconsciously lived to please other people while on the inside I was slowly losing my mind. I had been at a stage for several years where I didn’t know what I wanted…with anything! I couldn’t give a definitive answer to save my life. Unless it involved me moving back home to Nashville, which was a firm NO! Other than that, I was clueless life and profession wise.
As it pertained to abstinence, I personally wanted to abstain from it. I wanted to have sex but wasn’t sure how to do so and not feel guilty about it. How do I do so and not fear facing everyone after I finish. Because for the longest time I felt like I was the example for so many people (that were blatantly engaging in sexual activity) that always said “Oh man, I wish I was strong like you” or “I wish I could do like you” or even “Man, I’m sure God really listens to you” because in a sense I was being obedient to what I was told about Him.
Every time I got close to engaging, I would think about ALL OF THIS…talk about a killjoy, right?! I have been literally, for years, stressing myself out over if I should abstain or engage. And for what?! Out of everything I heard and everything that I’ve done that was supposed to be considered the right thing to do, I felt as though I was reaping nothing. Yes, I’m not pregnant nor have I had a for real pregnancy scare. No, I don’t have an STD and never have had one. And no, I’ve never had to say, wonder or question whether I needed an AIDS test. So, for all that I am thankful but that’s still beside the point…at least to me. Imagine being the kid standing on the sideline all their life wanting to get in a game they’re sure they know how to play but for whatever reason, don’t have the courage to do so. Everyone is experiencing wins and losses and progressing forward while you are afraid to take the field because you don’t want to lose or be put in a position where you can lose and then face the ridicule of the “I told you so’s” or the “You knew better than that anyway.”
I’ve recently gotten to a place where I can honestly say I have no idea why I’m still abstinent. There is nothing of substance that’s really holding me back anymore. After finally breaking down, pulling back and sifting through fallacies that has taken me nowhere but through a mental hell, I’ve realized I wasn’t abstaining for me. I was doing so for everyone else…everyone in which who really shouldn’t matter. The main people that are telling you to abstain or to not do something are the main ones doing that very thing. I have yet to come across anyone who is telling me to do something that they are yet doing themselves. Those that are suggesting abstinence is either married, divorced, single and still dipping or those who have been used, abused and thrown to the side. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this to be mean, insensitive or callous. I’m just saying the people that are making these mandates are not partakers of their own decrees. I know that everything ain’t for everybody. And everyone’s experience is not to be your own, but some experiences are needed to grow.
So, all in all I’m currently abstinent “kinda” not because of what I was told to do or because of what others want me to do. I’m abstinent because I haven’t found a willing participant that’s currently worth my time. Blessing in disguise? Perhaps. But don’t hold me to anything or expect me to say what I want do because depending on which way the wind blows on any particular day, I just may do it.
I’m just sayin…