(SHELLIE HERE) The Onion is so…*THE ONION*. (LOL)
Although this link is a couple of years ago, isn’t it interesting that it still applies? As a though provoker:
Loveless marriages. LOVELESS MARRIAGES. You know, being that, biblically, marriage is to be the *epitome* of the representation of godly love, indeed to get to a place where there is such a catchphrase does cause me to pause. And wonder. And that’s why I appreciate this letter that Jack, our guest blogger for this week, penned for his wife. *His ex-wife*. A lot of times we’re so quick to just “call something something” without looking at the story behind it. However, if you make this time to check out Jack’s love letter, I think you might find it…enlightening. Especially if you are a wife. Especially if you are a wife with a husband who has sexual issues. Or an addiction. More and more, I don’t think troubled marriages lack *love* so much as direction on how to express it. Best. For both. Before it ends. Maybe this letter will cause you to think about that. Perhaps for some will even reconsider. Ending it:
I’m sorry, I don’t know how to address this letter.
“Dear Ex-wife” sounds so cold. “Babes” sounds way too romantic. I tried to be romantic. I didn’t realize how I really came across to you. I wish many things could have been different for us. I’m so sorry I had so many unresolved issues because of my repeated history of being sexually abused as a child. I just didn’t know how bad the issues were. I didn’t even really know what they were. I didn’t know how they haunted me and kept me from really sharing of myself fully with you.
I didn’t know how to be truly intimate with you as a man is with his wife. No wonder you didn’t see me as romantic. I practiced having sex with a number of woman before I met you. I honestly was scared of sex but yet intrigued. I wanted to make sure that I functioned OK in the bedroom. Strange how I would get frustrated with each encounter and make matters worse each time.
So, yes I paid for lessons.
Strangely enough, sometimes we would just talk and nothing sexually would even happen. I just wanted to make sure “everything” worked and I could perform sexually for you. I just really wanted to be OK when I did get married.
But you know what? I never really enjoyed sex. I would stop and leave before the “best” part of sex. I would never reach an orgasm. I would just get bored and walk out even. I didn’t want some of them to think they weren’t exciting to me. I bet you never knew you were really the first one I ever had an orgasm with, did you? I guess for whatever that’s worth, I hope you feel a little better. I also bet you didn’t know I had nightmares at times where I had sex with a man. I’m sorry this haunted me so. I was afraid to tell you. No wonder you said years after we split that you always felt that I was disconnected in the bedroom.
I never experienced sex as God intends. I was never at “one” with you. I could never let go and be lost in your love that you had for me. I’m so sorry. I never knew how. I thought sex was just an act. I thought it was nothing more than just a physical act. When we kissed, I enjoyed the sensations but I could easily just drift away and be thinking of just about anything really. I’m amazed that we have five beautiful children together.
I’m sorry that you were cheated out of a fulfilling sex life. When I saw you, I didn’t seem to enjoy the sex which didn’t take long into our marriage. I reverted back to my own self-fulfilling ways of pornography and masturbation. For some reason, I got a thrill out of trying not to get caught. I knew it hurt you deeply. I knew you knew what I was doing. I’m so sorry that you got caught up in a viscous circle of my on despair and helplessness to change. I tried religion and it turned you off even more. I think perhaps you and some of the children struggle with knowing God intimately because of the religious ways I had. I disgusted myself even. I know I killed the Eros kind of love we had. I don’t blame you at all. I know you tried hard at times to please me in the bedroom. I know you struggled and wondered what was wrong with you. There were times you tried hard to show me the greatest of times and wear the sexiest lingerie. Honestly, you were great. Then right after the next day, I would ruin it by viewing porn. Many times you would catch me right after we had a great time in bed, viewing it. I felt so unworthy of your love. I would really disgust myself with how I would turn back to the porn and deepen the wounds for you and me.
Today, you see me as a changed man and one that loves God. I remember you asking me why it took me so long. I really don’t know except we all are as seeds and grow at different rates and in different conditions. It took a lot of growing pains before I allowed God to work in my heart and life. Today, I am truly sorry and I thank you today for your love and friendship. I know as you said once, you look forward to what God has in store for my life and as you even said last week, God has given me a brand new start. I just want to say “thank you” for standing by me, even if it is a little distant. I love you.