OK, so on Sunday, June 17, I will be 33-years-old.
Not to toot my own horn, but most of my friends know that year round I tend to be pretty selfless; if you need it and I got it, I or it is as good as there. However, the week leading up to June 17, they can also vouch for me when I say that I can also be pretty darn obnoxious. I celebrate the beginning of the month like it’s a national holiday and whether you ask or not, I will volunteer what I desire to receive (luckily for them my primary love language is words of affirmation and so a Hallmark card is like a Gucci bag to me!).
This year, although it’s not an official milestone like 18, 21, 30 or 40, I find myself being pretty excited! I am just getting a non-profit, Butterfly Angel, off of the ground (more about that later) and it couldn’t have come at a better or more profound time. Last year, God gave me Isaiah 54 as my promise for the year (it’s pretty long but make sure you go and check it out). Although I am still single (sigh/gasp/giggle) and I am the mother of four aborted children, it amazes me how Romans 8:28 (“All things work together“) still applies to my life. The promise opens up with “Sing barren woman who has never had a baby…you’re ending up with far more children than all those childbearing women.” And now, at 33, the same age Jesus was when his purpose was fulfilled on this earth, I am stepping into mine. God truly is amazing and his timing is perfect in all that he says and does.
As I sat and thought about what I really wanted this year (aside from the request cards and some original songs and raps with my name in it written by local artists here in Nashville—yes, I am that obnoxious), ironically, one of the first things that came to mind was my relationship with my biological father. Another beautiful thing about this year is that I was actually born on Father’s Day. My mother, whose birthday is June 15, just told me yesterday that she went into labor with me on Sabbath and had me at 1:05am on Sunday morning and since we’ve come so far in our relationship (and we have come F-A-R), this is birthday has a special significance to her as well.
Anyway, back to my father. So when I thought about what I wanted for my birthday and what I could give him for Father’s Day, you may be surprised what came to mind.Â
Although my parents divorced when I was 3, I have never felt not loved by my father. I saw him every summer, he’s never missed a holiday and there are things about my personality and looks that are “dead on” him. I have big lips and an overbite like my father. I am loud, funny, extroverted and outspoken like my father. My penmenship is (mostly) like my father.
And, I have an addictive nature—like my father.
I often say that one of the best things the Enemy did to further his kingdom agenda was to make fathers not realize their true value on the earth. It is my total belief that one of the main reasons why a lot of us have a hard time relating to God as a father is because our relationships with our earthly fathers have been subpar at best. Some were never around. Some were part-time dads (at best). Some were abusive either to or around us. Some were inconsistent by saying one thing and doing something else or making promises and not keeping them. Unfortunately, the scenarios go on and on, but to all of these, it makes it really hard to want to trust a spirit we can’t see called “Abba” when the man we can see known as “Daddy” is so flawed.
A wise man once said that what is modeled to us, we often do and so I can completely understand why I fell for men who were functional drunks and/or druggies, part-time lovers, moody as all get out and spiritually unresolved. This is how my father was with my mother and since he was my first introduction to manhood, well…
The more I come to this revelation, the more tempted I am to take this out on him. If he had been a better father, perhaps I would have never been sexually abuse my mother’s second husband. If he had been a better father, maybe my first would have been my husband rather than a drug dealin’ thug. If he had been a better father, surely I would have found myself worthy enough to be someone else’s mother instead of an abortion statistic. If he had been a better father, maybe it wouldn’t have taken most of my life to stop blaming God for these things.
Only God knows why this was the bloodline that he allowed for me to flow from. I do know that I have told both of my parents that I am going to be a curse breaker when it comes to sexual dysfunction and so that may be why this has been SUCH a journey for me. But, as I went to God in prayer about what to do about, well, it all, he told me the best thing I could give my father and myself this year and that is to grant TOTAL FORGIVENESS.
One of the best definitions that I ever heard actually came off of Oprah: Surrendering that the past cannot change. As much as I hate some of the things that have resulted from a less-than-perfect relationship with my father, I still love him because he gave me life and did the best that he could. It took awhile to get to this point, but I have come to accept that when God said that he knows the thoughts and plans that he has for me; plans of GOOD (Jeremiah 29:11), that is inexclusive of my lineage. In other words, what my parents, grandparents, great-grandparents or even Adam and Eve did for that matter cannot control my destiny; only my power to choose GOOD or EVIL determines my fate.
And so yes, for the sake of my purpose, my future husband and children and my relationship wtih both my heavenly and earthly father, for this Father’s Day, the commemoration of my birth, I choose to release my father from any resentment, pain, fear, guilt or anger so that I can move forward. He and I both deserve it as God’s children (because the only way to be forgiven is to forgive (Matthew 11:25).
And, it’s the best way that I can think of to live this year totally free!
I love you, dad.