“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”—I Corinthians 13:11 (NKJV)
So…
Recently, I had a conversation with a young man (early 20s) about his first sexual experience. It was a train (one girl with multiple guys). Trust me, and sadly, it’s not as rare as you may think.
When I asked him how he would feel if his daughter had that done to her (and aren’t all women, first and foremost, the Lord’s daughters?!?), he said, “I mean, I would hope it wouldn’t happen, but no one raped that girl (that he had sex with). She wanted it.”
She wanted it. She. wanted. it. She…wanted it?
I thought about my own sexual past and how many “compromised positions” I put myself in (no train, thank the Lord, but some circumstances were just as degrading) and in hindsight, I wonder…”Did I really want that?” Or was it that I didn’t think/know/understand that I deserved sooooooooooo much better than someone else’s boyfriend…or fiance’…or putting someone’s needs ahead of my own to the point that I didn’t even realize what mine were anymore (respect, loyalty, emotional care and concern, etc.)? Then I checked out an article yesterday entitled, “Real Talk: 9 Things You Should Know About Men & Marriage”.
Hmph. Now, I will say this: At least a man wrote it. I get a bit weary of women always wanting to chime in on the thoughts of a man (so fellas, when I said I needed your views on this blog, especially, I meant it!). However, what was said was a bit jarring; in some ways, just as I was taken a bit aback when I spoke with that young man not too long ago. Here was the list:
1) We can cheat on you, even if we love you.
2) Our feelings can be hurt just as easily as yours.
3) Most men like pornos, at least a little bit.
4) Men are not wired for marriage. (I’m going to add the author’s additional explanation to this one!) Men don’t grow up fantasizing about our wedding day. We don’t sit around with our boys day dreaming about being married with a family. We don’t enjoy the idea of coming home to the same person every day and having sex with the same body over and over and over again. Marriage is a real grind for us, so don’t expect us to get as excited about it as you are.
5) The financial pressures of a marriage are tough and scary for us.
6) Women put a lot of pressure on men to be chaste. (I’m gonna add his additional explanation to this one as well.) Women dog out unfaithful or sexually-charged men like they are the scum of the earth. It’s as if the sexuality inside of us is crushed and humiliated at every turn. We try to be good people, but you constantly make us feel bad for being men. This kind of chastity expectation is one of the hardest things about marriage and relationships, where men are expected to be pure, when we simply are not.
7) Our greatest fear is to feel trapped in a bad relationship.
8) Men never stop being attracted to younger women.
9) We’re not as attached to the kids as you are.
Just this morning, I was talking to a girlfriend of mine and we were discussing how it seems really disturbing, and to be honest with you, pretty darn annoying, that there seems to be this continual “boys will be boys” mentality…when it comes to grown men whether they are in or out of the Church. Shoot, I remember when my own great-grandmother used to live with my family. When she was told about my molestation, that was exactly what her reply was. Wow grandma. So what? Men get a pass on sexual brokenness? Because they’re men? Don’t we all deserve better than that?
And so, since Adam came before the woman and since dominion (i.e., self-control) was something we all were given the gift of (Genesis 1:26-28), my two questions are this:
1) What do you think about the two statements made about men and marriage that are provided in bold? Do you believe that men are not wired for marriage? Why or why not? Do you believe what we, as women, put men under (unrealistic) pressure to be chaste? And, yeah, since this site deals with porn (LOL), do you think all men like porn…at least a little bit? Oh, and I guess #1 can get thrown in there. Can you really cheat and love us? Not can you do both so much as seeing that one does not have anything to do with the other?
2) What do you think about how men are projected sexually? I mean, we often talk about how women are treated as sex objects but any young man who takes part in a train or any man period who believes that he’s not wired for covenant because he can’t control himself sexually…well, isn’t that like being a “sex object victim of society”? Isn’t that a pretty emasculating way to look at God’s firstborn?
OK, let me stop there because I don’t want to act like I’m leading this in any direction…any more than I just did (LOL). I really would like to hear your thoughts, though. I just have a hard time believing that when the Lord created something as beautiful as sex, he thought that it would only be women who could emotionalize the experience, or that men wouldn’t be able to love their spouses enough to eternally commit…or that porn was going to have to be, at least, an appetizer in the sex diet.
Please advise.